In July of 2013, I found a small, hard and slightly painful lump in my left breast. I notified my doctor and she scheduled a mammogram and ultrasound. The mammogram did not show anything that was conclusively abnormal but the ultrasound revealed not one but three suspicious masses that were connected to each other. The radiologist informed me that I would need a biopsy of the masses and we scheduled that appointment for the following week.
I went through the next week wondering, what if? What would a cancer diagnosis mean? How would I handle it? I remember just feeling a sense of dread and fear as I waited for the biopsy appointment. The day of the needle core biopsy, I remember being very scared and worried. The procedure consisted of numbing the area, a special needle was inserted to take a sample of each mass and then a marker inserted into each mass to mark where the sample was taken from. I then went in to have a mammogram immediately following the biopsy so that the markers could be viewed and documented. After both procedures, the radiologist told me that the results of the biopsy would be in within a couple of days and that I would receive a call with the results. She asked me if I had any questions for her and, it was at that moment that I broke into tears and told her that I was really scared. I believe that this was the moment that I knew in my heart that I had cancer.
I waited 6 days for that phone call with the results, each and every day worried and trying not to fear the worse - and at the same time, preparing myself to hear the bad news when it came in. It was a work day for me. I went through a normal morning routine and decided to do what I had been doing every day that week at lunch time, take a random drive in my car to try and relax and take my mind off of things. I remember driving on some windy roads in the hillsides of Cupertino, looking at some beautiful homes and gardens. I drove for about 45 minutes. I had just pulled back into the parking lot where I worked when my cell phone rang. I pulled into a parking space and answered the phone.
It was the radiologist who had performed my biopsy. She first asked me if it was convenient to talk. I said yes, that I was in my car alone. She proceeded to tell me that she had just gotten off the phone with my primary care physician and she had asked her for permission to call me directly. I steadied myself for what was to come next. She told me that the results of my biopsy came in and that the masses tested positive for cancer. I remember saying to her that I was sure that this was the news that she was going to give me. I then asked her, now what? The radiologist told me that I would need to be referred to a breast surgery specialist and would also need to get a good oncologist. She stressed that I should make sure that the surgeon that I chose should primarily do breast surgery and not to go to a general surgeon.
My next statement and question to the radiologist was, "I know that my primary care physician is supposed to refer me to the specialist, but I need to ask, if this was you - who would you go to? Please give me three names of the best doctors in the field." She thought about it for a second and she then gave me three names and insisted that the first was, in her opinion, the absolute best in his field. I thanked her and hung up.
I sat there for a moment, gathering my thoughts and trying to figure out what to do next. I was about to get out of the car to go up to my office but instead closed the car door, started the engine and headed for home. On my way home, I called my husband. We had both been waiting with baited breath for the results. I said to him, "I have cancer". He said to me, "I am now wrapping up my work day, come home and we will together, figure out next steps and move forward.'' That is my memory. My husband's recollection is that we had simultaneous resolve and calm. Up until that point we had uncertainty. Until this moment we were unclear as to what we had to deal with. Now that we actually knew, it was kind of calming. We now had the knowledge of what we were dealing with and we could now be focused and plan ahead. We went from a world of unknowing, uncertainty and anticipation to being clearly focused on the enemy and what had to be done. I arrived home and we sat together in front of the computer and began our research of the best doctors and began to strategically plan our battle. There was no time in between me arriving home and our immediate call to action where we even talked about the diagnosis or cried and fell apart. We knew what had to be done.
Was I scared? Yes. Did I panic and fall apart? No. I did cry, a lot. I cried because I felt a loss of my former healthy self. At the same time, I began to build my inner army to combat the news that I just received and plan forward for winning this battle. It was going to be hard, but I knew I had it in me.
