Cancer - What exactly is it and how does it work?

You've been diagnosed with cancer. Your head begins to spin, you don't really know what to think, how to act or what to feel. You are temporarily numb. The very first thing on your mind is, how long will I live, how will this affect my family and, who do I tell first. The very last thing on your mind is to study and learn everything you can about this disease.  After all, the doctors are the experts and should be telling you everything that you need to know. Your only job right now is to follow directions and fight the battle ahead with everything that you've got.  Right?

Yes, and no. The news that you've just been hit with is devistating. There is cancer somewhere in your body and it has likely been there for some time before it was discovered. You do indeed have the battle of your life in front of you. A large part of your battle will be to participate in your health and treatment plan and to include those closest to you to participate alongside you. With knowledge comes power. The more you understand about your cancer and treatment options, the better your mindset will be as far as feeling a sense of control and focus as you go through this difficult time in your life.

If I may suggest some steps and strategies for you, they would be:

- allow yourself to take in the news of your cancer diagnosis - cry, be angry, express your emotions freely and lean on those closest to you to for support;

- research and find the best doctor in your area who specializes in your type of cancer, this should include both a surgeon and oncologist who's practice is predominently treating your type of cancer and verify insurance coverage if that is an option for you;

- begin researching treatment options with your doctor and on your own so that you will understand and be informed as you move forward and make decisions with regard to your treatment;

- create a binder to take with you to all of your doctors visits so that you can prepare questions ahead of time and take notes that you will refer back to many times;

- ask your doctor a lot of questions and always have someone with you at your doctors visits as there will be things that they hear and remember that you won't and that person can take notes as the doctor explains things to you;

- keep copies of all of your lab work and treatment plans in your binder as well as keeping a journal of your experiences during treatments (this will help you prepare your questions for your next doctor visit which should be written down ahead of time so that you don't forget anything);

-  take advantage of resources that are available to you through the American Cancer Society and other cancer organizations as there are many services out there to assist you through this journey;

- remember that this is a battle that you are fighting and if you are going to come out on top of this fight, you need to take good care of yourself. Endeavor to eat well, get good sleep, exercise as much as possible and think as positively as you can.  You can beat this!

My husband and I just finished watching the 3 part series by Ken Burns. Cancer: The Emperor of all Maladies.  http://cancerfilms.org/about-the-film/

While I am now 2 years cancer free from Triple Negative Breast cancer and really have researched and read a lot about my disease, we found this series to be extremely informative and answered many questions that I had not had the answers to.  It is a complete history and comprehensive overview of cancer and I would highly recommend watching if you are able.  I personally came away feeling much better and more confident that perhaps in my lifetime, there may be a cure for cancer.  We seem to be getting closer all the time.  Just having a better understanding of what cancer is and how it works made a huge difference for me.

My prayers go out to everyone who is touched by this disease.  Know that you are not alone.

Disclaimer: the information on this site is provided as an information resource only and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. This information is not intended to be patient education, and should not be substituted for professional diagnosis and treatment.

PTSD and Breast Cancer

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of the date that I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer.  I had a follow-up ultrasound appointment today at the very same place that I was diagnosed just 24 months ago. A feeling of dread and uneasiness soared through my body as I lay on the exam table as the radiologist took image after image of random cysts that have surfaced in both breasts since my last exam.  The memories of diagnosis, several surgeries and chemotherapy are still way to clear and the fear of recurrence continues to rear its ugly head from time to time. The results of my ultrasound were that the cysts were all benign and nothing to worry about. I remain in the clear and I thank your God, my God and the universe for that.

All of this left me pondering the many cancer survivors that suffer from PTSD after they've completed treatment.  PTSD is characterized by an inability to relax after something very traumatic happens to you, for fear that the trauma will return. I thought that if I suffered from PTSD, it may have been impossible for me to even walk back into that examination room and undergo the same test that was used to diagnose my cancer in the first place for fear that the news of cancer returning would be imminent. There are studies of people who have committed suicide from the fear of cancer returning. Others suffer daily from sadness, worry and feelings of anxiety that their cancer will return - along with a variety of other symptoms.

I was speaking to a dear friend on the phone as I was entering the medical building today and shared with her the feeling of dread that I had. She offered me some interesting and very sound advice that I thought worth sharing. She said that instead of remembering August 19 as a date of diagnosis, dread and all that the day brought two years ago, to create a new memory for that date. The thought was that August 19 now represents a day of celebration that the cancer is gone and a day to be thankful and look forward to every year. It is the day that I underwent another test and was told that I remain cancer free and that everything looked fine. I like that idea. To erase an old memory by creating a new happier one over it is a wonderful idea. This is what I choose to do going forward.

I am happy to know that doctors are now starting to seriously address PTSD in cancer survivors. There are a lot of studies about this right now and doctors are learning how to identify those patients that may suffer from PTSD as well as researching the best ways to treat these patients. In my abbreviated study on this topic I found it understandable that breast cancer patients in particular are at high risk for PTSD as they have a 1 in 5 change of recurrence. It is imperative that doctors examine their cancer patients' mental well-being along with treating the symptoms of cancer.

For myself, I remember feeling pretty mentally strong during my treatments as I was very busy focusing on fighting my battle and winning. There was not a lot of time to feel fear when you are running back and forth to medical appointments, undergoing treatments, feeling sick and tired all of the time, worrying about your family and trying to manage finances, work issues and other areas of your life. It is after treatment and during recovery that you really have time to focus on the "oh shit! I could have died and still could if this thing comes back!" moments.

There are several methods of therapy for PTSD. If you or someone you know is suffering from this, please know that things can get better and reach out for the help you or your loved ones need. There are many reasons to celebrate our cancer survival and life is way to short to live in fear and dread.  Enjoy the good times and please, please perform self-exams and seek treatment right away if you ever find anything questionable going on in or on your body. Early detection can save your life.

Thank you for reading and please share so that the information can reach those who may find value in it.  I will now head out to the beach with my wonderful husband to enjoy Mexican food and a margarita on the seashore in celebration of August 19!!

Throw back Thursday? Remembering feelings surrounding breast cancer diagnosis

I was asked recently to recount what it was like and, how I really felt when I first got the news that I had breast cancer.  In 3 months it will be 2 years since I was diagnosed.  It went something like this...

In July of 2013, I found a small, hard and slightly painful lump in my left breast.  I notified my doctor and she scheduled a mammogram and ultrasound.  The mammogram did not show anything that was conclusively abnormal but the ultrasound revealed not one but three suspicious masses that were connected to each other.  The radiologist informed me that I would need a biopsy of the masses and we scheduled that appointment for the following week.

I went through the next week wondering, what if?  What would a cancer diagnosis mean?  How would I handle it?  I remember just feeling a sense of dread and fear as I waited for the biopsy appointment.  The day of the needle core biopsy, I remember being very scared and worried.  The procedure consisted of numbing the area, a special needle was inserted to take a sample of each mass and then a marker inserted into each mass to mark where the sample was taken from.  I then went in to have a mammogram immediately following the biopsy so that the markers could be viewed and documented.  After both procedures, the radiologist told me that the results of the biopsy would be in within a couple of days and that I would receive a call with the results.  She asked me if I had any questions for her and, it was at that moment that I broke into tears and told her that I was really scared.  I believe that this was the moment that I knew in my heart that I had cancer.

I waited 6 days for that phone call with the results, each and every day worried and trying not to fear the worse - and at the same time, preparing myself to hear the bad news when it came in. It was a work day for me.  I went through a normal morning routine and decided to do what I had been doing every day that week at lunch time, take a random drive in my car to try and relax and take my mind off of things.  I remember driving on some windy roads in the hillsides of Cupertino, looking at some beautiful homes and gardens.  I drove for about 45 minutes.  I had just pulled back into the parking lot where I worked when my cell phone rang.  I pulled into a parking space and answered the phone.

It was the radiologist who had performed my biopsy.  She first asked me if it was convenient to talk.  I said yes, that I was in my car alone.  She proceeded to tell me that she had just gotten off the phone with my primary care physician and she had asked her for permission to call me directly.  I steadied myself for what was to come next.  She told me that the results of my biopsy came in and that the masses tested positive for cancer.  I remember saying to her that I was sure that this was the news that she was going to give me.  I then asked her, now what?  The radiologist told me that I would need to be referred to a breast surgery specialist and would also need to get a good oncologist.  She stressed that I should make sure that the surgeon that I chose should primarily do breast surgery and not to go to a general surgeon.

My next statement and question to the radiologist was, "I know that my primary care physician is supposed to refer me to the specialist, but I need to ask, if this was you - who would you go to?  Please give me three names of the best doctors in the field."  She thought about it for a second and she then gave me three names and insisted that the first was, in her opinion, the absolute best in his field.  I thanked her and hung up.

I sat there for a moment, gathering my thoughts and trying to figure out what to do next.  I was about to get out of the car to go up to my office but instead closed the car door, started the engine and headed for home.  On my way home, I called my husband.  We had both been waiting with baited breath for the results.  I said to him, "I have cancer".  He said to me, "I am now wrapping up my work day, come home and we will together, figure out next steps and move forward.''  That is my memory.  My husband's recollection is that we had simultaneous resolve and calm.  Up until that point we had uncertainty.  Until this moment we were unclear as to what we had to deal with.  Now that we actually knew, it was kind of calming.  We now had the knowledge of what we were dealing with and we could now be focused and plan ahead.  We went from a world of unknowing, uncertainty and anticipation to being clearly focused on the enemy and what had to be done.  I arrived home and we sat together in front of the computer and began our research of the best doctors and began to strategically plan our battle.  There was no time in between me arriving home and our immediate call to action where we even talked about the diagnosis or cried and fell apart.  We knew what had to be done.

Was I scared?  Yes.  Did I panic and fall apart? No.  I did cry, a lot.  I cried because I felt a loss of my former healthy self.  At the same time, I began to build my inner army to combat the news that I just received and plan forward for winning this battle.  It was going to be hard, but I knew I had it in me.

Cancer Closeness

12 weeks ago I joined a strength and fitness exercise program that is put on by Stanford for cancer patients and survivors.  Living Strong Living Well

When I first started the program I wrote about a lady named Rae.  It has been a pleasure and a joy getting to know each of the participants in the program and going through the exercise program with them.  In particular, watching Rae blossom and grow each week.  She is no longer the shy, frail young woman that I described in my earlier blog.  In every class I observed her opening up, talking a little more to people around her, speaking up and asking questions, and allowing herself to smile and be happy. Just yesterday, I watched her as she joked and laughed with the instructors and poked fun at another participant in the class - all in good fun, of course.

The program has come to an end with just one more session left.  At that session, we will meet once again with the Stanford team to give feedback and celebrate our last session together as a group.  This program has been a real eye-opening experience for me.  I am not the most outgoing person on the planet and tend to want to keep to myself rather than interact in a group setting.  Especially when it comes to cancer and group therapy.  I'm not one for sitting in a circle and sharing with others and tend to be much more private.  That being said, I have a better understanding now of what connecting as a group can do when you have something like cancer or another matter in common.  I've witnessed people grow and change dramatically in just a short period of time.  The commonality of the disease that we all share/shared has brought a group of people closer together and created a camaraderie that I would not have imagined, or experienced, otherwise.  The experience has given me a lot to reflect upon.  We lost one person that started with us to the disease.  She just didn't show up a couple of times and when one of the instructors called to check in on her, she was told that this nice lady had passed away.  This reminded us of the power of this dreaded disease and that not everyone gets the upper hand on it.

We have our typical class clown who makes us laugh week after week.  There is sweet Rae who came out of her shell and now wears a smile, looks and feels stronger and is a joy to be around.  A couple of younger women who bring youth, energy and a special beauty into the group.  A few of us still young and spunky, but a bit older, gals and an older gentlemen who became very near and dear to my heart and will remain my buddy after this class is over.  This gentleman is currently battling his disease and undergoing treatment.  Week after week, he pulls himself into the gym and goes through the exercises and hangs tough.  I remember how tired I was when going through chemo and that even walking to the corner to get the daily mail almost seemed like to much to handle.  This guy is, I'm guessing, in his late 70's and one of the kindest people I have had the pleasure to meet.  A true inspiration.

Our instructors are amazing people.  They are knowledgeable, compassionate and make everyone feel that they are receiving individual attention and that they care about helping us reach and exceed our goals.  It is so funny when we are doing floor exercises and instructed to gently roll up our spine, vertebrae by vertebrae and the instructor leading the group would announce - "except for Cheryl cuz she doesn't roll"!  I have a fused spine and everything that I do is straight with no flexibility except in the very low back and at my neck.  It got to the point where everyone would look at me when we were asked to do something that required back flexibility and we had some good laughs.  

I am now much more open and encourage others to take that leap to become involved with others and not to be afraid of group settings.  For me, early on in diagnosis and during my treatments, the process was very difficult for me ... I could not speak out loud about my cancer without breaking down into tears.  Now that I am putting the cancer farther and farther behind me, I am able to put a strong voice to it and am no longer frail when it comes to the dreaded topic.  In a sense, I was Rae, then and now.  We all have to go through our process in our own time.  It is a personal and intimate journey for all of us. If we open our minds and hearts we can and will overcome, together.

Thank you Stanford School of Medicine for putting on this wonderful program at no cost to cancer patients and survivors.  It is a wonderful and much needed service and very well received.  At the end of the 12 week session, I do feel stronger and more flexible.  Now I just need to stir up the discipline to keep the momentum going.  I am determined.

Triple Negative Breast Cancer Awareness Day!

Today is TNBC awareness day.  Oh, believe me - I'm aware!  I hope and pray that the research continues to someday bring a cure to this dreaded disease.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of all of the people being diagnosed with cancer and how it affects each one of them.

I am happy to report that I saw my oncologist yesterday and at 1-1/2 years from diagnosis, I continue to be in good health and am today cancer-free.  I feel very fortunate and count my blessings daily.

While in the doctor's office, I shared with her that I know two people who went through breast cancer treatments around the same time that I did and that both of them have had recurrence.  I asked her about recurrence and how one might know if the cancer had returned.  She shared with me that for patients that have had mastectomies like I did, the rate of recurrence in the breast area is extremely low, but if cancer were to return it most often appears in the bones.  When I asked how one would know if the cancer was in the bones, she replied that you might feel bone pain and would likely feel generally under the weather - fatigued, etc.  Well, this is a scary notion!  I make the decision not let the fear of recurrence take hold in my mind as it is not worthy of thought or energy.  I instead will continue to know that I am healthy, that I did everything in my power to fight the cancer and it is gone.  I maintain my positive attitude at all costs.

The focus these days is keeping in good health.  I've restructured my diet and have lost the weight that I put on after treatments.  I began a gym program 5 weeks ago and feel so much stronger and more flexible with the exercises that I've been doing.  It really has made a huge difference.  I didn't realize how stiff and tight my muscles had become after multiple surgeries and long periods of recovery until I really started using those muscles again.  I have not taken a pain killer (for fused spine/back pain issues) for months now - in fact don't take any medications at all except for a low dose HRT.  So, between gym, long walks and hiking with my hubby, I am feeling really good and sleeping like a baby.  Moving the body really is good medicine.

If you know of anyone battling triple negative breast cancer, I include the following link for more information/resources:
http://www.tnbcfoundation.org/tnbcday2015/champions.htm

I assume that if you are reading this blog, you either know me or someone who is or has been diagnosed with cancer.  My heart and prayers go out to you and yours.
Thank you for stopping by and please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Her name is Rae.

Her name is Rae.  We were introduced in a group gathering at the start of a fitness program for cancer survivors at a new gym.  We sat in a circle and went through the customary introductions...tell us your name, a little about yourself and what you value in your life.  I thought back to when I was undergoing chemotherapy and participating in a guided imagery session at a local cancer center.  I sat is a similar circle and folks were encouraged to share their experiences amongst the group.  A few people went before me and were somehow able to maintain complete composure as they related their experiences and shared with the group.  It was my turn.  I began to sob uncontrollably and could not speak.  The range of emotions that I felt were off the chart and I could not pull myself together.  Afterwards, I spoke to the person leading the program and wondered why, when all of the ladies in the room had either gone through or were still going through what I was, why they appeared to be healthy and together when I was melting into a puddle of tears.  She said that everyone goes through this at their own pace and at different levels of emotions at all times.  You could not compare, imagine or judge what anyone else was feeling.  Each of us has our own pace, path and journey as we battle this horrible disease and fight for our lives.

At the fitness program, I was asked to go first.  I stated my name, looked around the room and made eye contact with all of the other participants.  I went on to state that, like many in the room, I had battled cancer, gone through several surgeries along with chemotherapy and was looking forward to this fitness program to gain some of the muscle strength and flexibility that I had lost as a result of my illness.  What do I value?  I said that I value first, my family and next my health and well-being.  In hindsight, I would have added much more to this list.  But, I'm not a great public speaker - I get a bit nervous when under the gun and I tend to be brief.

A couple of folks later down the line, there was Rae.  Rae is a pretty, slender and in all appearances a very shy and quiet young woman.  She has long dark hair, and sat a little slouched in her chair with her arms crossed.  She began, my name is Rae.  She sank a bit lower into her chair as her eyes began to overflow.  She has cancer.  She is currently undergoing chemotherapy every other week and is very weak and has no energy.  She is trying to do everything she can to fight this disease but again is very tired.  She has small children and is very frightened about the possibility of not being around for them.  My heart all but stopped and I had to fight hard not to lose it right there and then.  It all came rushing back.

I thought to myself, if I saw Rae out in the world, say at a grocery store or something - I would not ever imagine that she has cancer.  Why would I?  She has all of her hair and, she looks healthy enough. I wonder how many people we run into in the course of our everyday lives who are fighting for their very lives, or attempting to carry on with devastating circumstances going on in their lives that we are completely unaware of.  Probably more than we would ever want to imagine.

My heart goes out to Rae, her family and all of those who are quietly fighting their own battles.  I encourage everyone to try to keep this in mind when we are out and about with other people as we go about our business.  People that might seem rude or not paying attention -perhaps cutting us off in our car, etc.  What might be going on in their lives?  Must we always be so judgmental about other people?  Let's try to live with more compassion and caring for those around us.

I saw Rae again yesterday and shared with her that I was once in a similar position.  I offered to her that I am available if she ever has any questions or needs any help.  I sincerely hope that she takes me up on my offer.  I can see the hurt and fear in her eyes and I would be honored to be able to offer her even the slightest of assistance.

I would like to say that I go through life without hate for anything or anybody.  But cancer?  I do believe that this is the thing that I truly hate!

Stay healthy and please remember to show compassion for those around you.  You just never know.

Turning triple negative into triple positives in 2015

As we say goodbye to 2014 and welcome 2015, I find myself reflecting on the past couple of years.  2013 when I heard those words "you have breast cancer", multiple surgeries and chemotherapy - followed by 2014, a year of recovery and pushing cancer behind me.  2015 will be a year of living for today and looking forward.  My intention is to live fully each day and experience the joy and positive feeling that each day brings and to look forward to new experiences, new dreams, better health and a full and happy life.  I came across a blog that my daughter posted at the beginning of 2013.  Her words are wise, timeless and appropriate for today.  

I wish you all the best and an abundance of good health in the new year!

Sunset January 1, 2015 - taken at Moss Beach Distillary.

- - - - -

a few things i've learned in 2012

Tomorrow is the last day of the year. 2012 has been good to me, for the most part but as always, there were some lessons to be learned. Here are a few things I've learned this year: 1. You have control over who you spend your time on. Get rid of the toxic people in your life and watch how quickly your life improves. Surround yourself with people who make you want to be a better person, people who inspire you, people who support you and make you laugh, people who will be there for you at your best and worst times with no judgments. These people are worth your time. 2. It's okay to be alone. You don't always need someone/something to distract you. These moments spent in solitude have proved to be very beneficial to me this year. 3. Try new things. Always try new things. Change is a good thing, and change can only be achieved by stepping out of the box (the box is sometimes disguised as your "comfort zone"). 4. Nine out of ten times, a great night is worth the terrible morning that follows. 5. To follow up #4, the best hangover cures this year have been sushi, sleep, orange juice and coffee. 6."Don't overlook lifes' small joys while searching for the big ones." -H. Jackson Brown Jr. It's so easy to get caught up in all of the hustle and stress of todays' world that sometimes we need to slow ourselves down and soak up some of the beauty that surrounds us. A few things that come to my mind are sunsets, blossoming trees and sleepy smiles. While you walk, look around you. Look up! When you spend all of your time looking down at your feet, you're missing the world around you. The main lesson I've learned is that we must live each day. Take the time to really taste your food as you eat it, start your day off with a deep breath of serenity, let your body really sink into your mattress as you end your day, let negativity go and make room for more positive things in your life, focus on what's truly important and be yourself.   my words as windows