Cancer Closeness

12 weeks ago I joined a strength and fitness exercise program that is put on by Stanford for cancer patients and survivors.  Living Strong Living Well

When I first started the program I wrote about a lady named Rae.  It has been a pleasure and a joy getting to know each of the participants in the program and going through the exercise program with them.  In particular, watching Rae blossom and grow each week.  She is no longer the shy, frail young woman that I described in my earlier blog.  In every class I observed her opening up, talking a little more to people around her, speaking up and asking questions, and allowing herself to smile and be happy. Just yesterday, I watched her as she joked and laughed with the instructors and poked fun at another participant in the class - all in good fun, of course.

The program has come to an end with just one more session left.  At that session, we will meet once again with the Stanford team to give feedback and celebrate our last session together as a group.  This program has been a real eye-opening experience for me.  I am not the most outgoing person on the planet and tend to want to keep to myself rather than interact in a group setting.  Especially when it comes to cancer and group therapy.  I'm not one for sitting in a circle and sharing with others and tend to be much more private.  That being said, I have a better understanding now of what connecting as a group can do when you have something like cancer or another matter in common.  I've witnessed people grow and change dramatically in just a short period of time.  The commonality of the disease that we all share/shared has brought a group of people closer together and created a camaraderie that I would not have imagined, or experienced, otherwise.  The experience has given me a lot to reflect upon.  We lost one person that started with us to the disease.  She just didn't show up a couple of times and when one of the instructors called to check in on her, she was told that this nice lady had passed away.  This reminded us of the power of this dreaded disease and that not everyone gets the upper hand on it.

We have our typical class clown who makes us laugh week after week.  There is sweet Rae who came out of her shell and now wears a smile, looks and feels stronger and is a joy to be around.  A couple of younger women who bring youth, energy and a special beauty into the group.  A few of us still young and spunky, but a bit older, gals and an older gentlemen who became very near and dear to my heart and will remain my buddy after this class is over.  This gentleman is currently battling his disease and undergoing treatment.  Week after week, he pulls himself into the gym and goes through the exercises and hangs tough.  I remember how tired I was when going through chemo and that even walking to the corner to get the daily mail almost seemed like to much to handle.  This guy is, I'm guessing, in his late 70's and one of the kindest people I have had the pleasure to meet.  A true inspiration.

Our instructors are amazing people.  They are knowledgeable, compassionate and make everyone feel that they are receiving individual attention and that they care about helping us reach and exceed our goals.  It is so funny when we are doing floor exercises and instructed to gently roll up our spine, vertebrae by vertebrae and the instructor leading the group would announce - "except for Cheryl cuz she doesn't roll"!  I have a fused spine and everything that I do is straight with no flexibility except in the very low back and at my neck.  It got to the point where everyone would look at me when we were asked to do something that required back flexibility and we had some good laughs.  

I am now much more open and encourage others to take that leap to become involved with others and not to be afraid of group settings.  For me, early on in diagnosis and during my treatments, the process was very difficult for me ... I could not speak out loud about my cancer without breaking down into tears.  Now that I am putting the cancer farther and farther behind me, I am able to put a strong voice to it and am no longer frail when it comes to the dreaded topic.  In a sense, I was Rae, then and now.  We all have to go through our process in our own time.  It is a personal and intimate journey for all of us. If we open our minds and hearts we can and will overcome, together.

Thank you Stanford School of Medicine for putting on this wonderful program at no cost to cancer patients and survivors.  It is a wonderful and much needed service and very well received.  At the end of the 12 week session, I do feel stronger and more flexible.  Now I just need to stir up the discipline to keep the momentum going.  I am determined.

Triple Negative Breast Cancer Awareness Day!

Today is TNBC awareness day.  Oh, believe me - I'm aware!  I hope and pray that the research continues to someday bring a cure to this dreaded disease.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of all of the people being diagnosed with cancer and how it affects each one of them.

I am happy to report that I saw my oncologist yesterday and at 1-1/2 years from diagnosis, I continue to be in good health and am today cancer-free.  I feel very fortunate and count my blessings daily.

While in the doctor's office, I shared with her that I know two people who went through breast cancer treatments around the same time that I did and that both of them have had recurrence.  I asked her about recurrence and how one might know if the cancer had returned.  She shared with me that for patients that have had mastectomies like I did, the rate of recurrence in the breast area is extremely low, but if cancer were to return it most often appears in the bones.  When I asked how one would know if the cancer was in the bones, she replied that you might feel bone pain and would likely feel generally under the weather - fatigued, etc.  Well, this is a scary notion!  I make the decision not let the fear of recurrence take hold in my mind as it is not worthy of thought or energy.  I instead will continue to know that I am healthy, that I did everything in my power to fight the cancer and it is gone.  I maintain my positive attitude at all costs.

The focus these days is keeping in good health.  I've restructured my diet and have lost the weight that I put on after treatments.  I began a gym program 5 weeks ago and feel so much stronger and more flexible with the exercises that I've been doing.  It really has made a huge difference.  I didn't realize how stiff and tight my muscles had become after multiple surgeries and long periods of recovery until I really started using those muscles again.  I have not taken a pain killer (for fused spine/back pain issues) for months now - in fact don't take any medications at all except for a low dose HRT.  So, between gym, long walks and hiking with my hubby, I am feeling really good and sleeping like a baby.  Moving the body really is good medicine.

If you know of anyone battling triple negative breast cancer, I include the following link for more information/resources:
http://www.tnbcfoundation.org/tnbcday2015/champions.htm

I assume that if you are reading this blog, you either know me or someone who is or has been diagnosed with cancer.  My heart and prayers go out to you and yours.
Thank you for stopping by and please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Her name is Rae.

Her name is Rae.  We were introduced in a group gathering at the start of a fitness program for cancer survivors at a new gym.  We sat in a circle and went through the customary introductions...tell us your name, a little about yourself and what you value in your life.  I thought back to when I was undergoing chemotherapy and participating in a guided imagery session at a local cancer center.  I sat is a similar circle and folks were encouraged to share their experiences amongst the group.  A few people went before me and were somehow able to maintain complete composure as they related their experiences and shared with the group.  It was my turn.  I began to sob uncontrollably and could not speak.  The range of emotions that I felt were off the chart and I could not pull myself together.  Afterwards, I spoke to the person leading the program and wondered why, when all of the ladies in the room had either gone through or were still going through what I was, why they appeared to be healthy and together when I was melting into a puddle of tears.  She said that everyone goes through this at their own pace and at different levels of emotions at all times.  You could not compare, imagine or judge what anyone else was feeling.  Each of us has our own pace, path and journey as we battle this horrible disease and fight for our lives.

At the fitness program, I was asked to go first.  I stated my name, looked around the room and made eye contact with all of the other participants.  I went on to state that, like many in the room, I had battled cancer, gone through several surgeries along with chemotherapy and was looking forward to this fitness program to gain some of the muscle strength and flexibility that I had lost as a result of my illness.  What do I value?  I said that I value first, my family and next my health and well-being.  In hindsight, I would have added much more to this list.  But, I'm not a great public speaker - I get a bit nervous when under the gun and I tend to be brief.

A couple of folks later down the line, there was Rae.  Rae is a pretty, slender and in all appearances a very shy and quiet young woman.  She has long dark hair, and sat a little slouched in her chair with her arms crossed.  She began, my name is Rae.  She sank a bit lower into her chair as her eyes began to overflow.  She has cancer.  She is currently undergoing chemotherapy every other week and is very weak and has no energy.  She is trying to do everything she can to fight this disease but again is very tired.  She has small children and is very frightened about the possibility of not being around for them.  My heart all but stopped and I had to fight hard not to lose it right there and then.  It all came rushing back.

I thought to myself, if I saw Rae out in the world, say at a grocery store or something - I would not ever imagine that she has cancer.  Why would I?  She has all of her hair and, she looks healthy enough. I wonder how many people we run into in the course of our everyday lives who are fighting for their very lives, or attempting to carry on with devastating circumstances going on in their lives that we are completely unaware of.  Probably more than we would ever want to imagine.

My heart goes out to Rae, her family and all of those who are quietly fighting their own battles.  I encourage everyone to try to keep this in mind when we are out and about with other people as we go about our business.  People that might seem rude or not paying attention -perhaps cutting us off in our car, etc.  What might be going on in their lives?  Must we always be so judgmental about other people?  Let's try to live with more compassion and caring for those around us.

I saw Rae again yesterday and shared with her that I was once in a similar position.  I offered to her that I am available if she ever has any questions or needs any help.  I sincerely hope that she takes me up on my offer.  I can see the hurt and fear in her eyes and I would be honored to be able to offer her even the slightest of assistance.

I would like to say that I go through life without hate for anything or anybody.  But cancer?  I do believe that this is the thing that I truly hate!

Stay healthy and please remember to show compassion for those around you.  You just never know.

Turning triple negative into triple positives in 2015

As we say goodbye to 2014 and welcome 2015, I find myself reflecting on the past couple of years.  2013 when I heard those words "you have breast cancer", multiple surgeries and chemotherapy - followed by 2014, a year of recovery and pushing cancer behind me.  2015 will be a year of living for today and looking forward.  My intention is to live fully each day and experience the joy and positive feeling that each day brings and to look forward to new experiences, new dreams, better health and a full and happy life.  I came across a blog that my daughter posted at the beginning of 2013.  Her words are wise, timeless and appropriate for today.  

I wish you all the best and an abundance of good health in the new year!

Sunset January 1, 2015 - taken at Moss Beach Distillary.

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a few things i've learned in 2012

Tomorrow is the last day of the year. 2012 has been good to me, for the most part but as always, there were some lessons to be learned. Here are a few things I've learned this year: 1. You have control over who you spend your time on. Get rid of the toxic people in your life and watch how quickly your life improves. Surround yourself with people who make you want to be a better person, people who inspire you, people who support you and make you laugh, people who will be there for you at your best and worst times with no judgments. These people are worth your time. 2. It's okay to be alone. You don't always need someone/something to distract you. These moments spent in solitude have proved to be very beneficial to me this year. 3. Try new things. Always try new things. Change is a good thing, and change can only be achieved by stepping out of the box (the box is sometimes disguised as your "comfort zone"). 4. Nine out of ten times, a great night is worth the terrible morning that follows. 5. To follow up #4, the best hangover cures this year have been sushi, sleep, orange juice and coffee. 6."Don't overlook lifes' small joys while searching for the big ones." -H. Jackson Brown Jr. It's so easy to get caught up in all of the hustle and stress of todays' world that sometimes we need to slow ourselves down and soak up some of the beauty that surrounds us. A few things that come to my mind are sunsets, blossoming trees and sleepy smiles. While you walk, look around you. Look up! When you spend all of your time looking down at your feet, you're missing the world around you. The main lesson I've learned is that we must live each day. Take the time to really taste your food as you eat it, start your day off with a deep breath of serenity, let your body really sink into your mattress as you end your day, let negativity go and make room for more positive things in your life, focus on what's truly important and be yourself.   my words as windows

Hair 10 months after last chemo.

2 months after last chemo.

10 months after last chemo.

Hair.  I get a lot of questions about hair regrowth after chemo.

The first picture above was taken in March, 2014 (3 months after my last chemo treatment).  The second picture was taken today (10 months post chemo).

As you can see, my hair was just beginning to grow back in in March.  Today, it is a bit longer and very curly.  My hair is thicker than it was pre-cancer and the curls are new for me as well.  My hair before cancer was very fine and for the most part straight with a slight wave to it.

I have not done much of anything to my hair.  No color, no trims or cuts, nothing as of yet.  I want to see how long I can go with just letting it go natural.  It is so soft and healthy right now that I'm leary of any damage that hair treatments might leave behind.  Until now I did not have to style it at all - just wash, towel dry and run out the door.  Although I have taken to wearing headbands to keep it back but have been too lazy to start blow drying and such.  The one thing that I have done since my new growth began is to rub Rosemary essential oil onto my hair and scalp after washing.  I mix 2 drops of Rosemary with 2 drops of Almond or Jojoba oil and brush through my hair.  I believe the Rosemary promotes hair growth.  I have become very involved with essential oils for many uses and have all but removed all toxic personal products and cosmetics from my life.  I do feel much better and healthier having made this choice.

It really has been fun going through the transitions of no hair to new, thicker, curly hair.  We'll see how long I can go before I run screaming into a salon!

Other than new hair, I want to my oncologist today for a regular 3 month check up.  Everything looks great and of course, no sign of cancer.  I told my onco that I really don't think about the cancer any more and I don't have an inkling of fear about it recurring.  She said that she was amazed at my attitude and that it took years for most of her patients to reach that point.  My feeling is that a moment wasted living in fear of cancer returning is a moment that you could be spending being truly happy and enjoying the moment.  Cancer has taken enough of our time, we shall not allow it to take any more.

This is a time of new beginnings, new life and new perspective.  Be healthy and happy and thank you for continuing to follow my story and allowing me to provide information and insight to others.

Triple Negative Breast Cancer - 1 year gone!

I chuckle every time I type the words Triple Negative.  There are way more than three negatives associated with this breast cancer!  Here is a link to the definition and quick information for this diagnosis for those interested...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple-negative_breast_cancer
Now, having gone through it and beat it, I'm finding so many positives to replace those negatives in my life.

Yesterday I celebrated my 1 year cancer free anniversary!  I am thankful for every day and for all of the wonderful people in my life who continue to surround me with love and strength.  My family was and is my rock and anchor.  All of your prayers and words of encouragement helped me beyond words.  Without all of you I would not have been able to get through this past year with the grace and courage that I was able to muster up.  Thank you.

I also wanted to give a shout-out to all of the new friends that I made along my journey.  My life is so much richer for having met all of you.  And always in my heart are the strangers that took a minute out of their day to approach me and give me words of encouragement and share their stories with me.  I was constantly surprised and touched by the folks that would recognize what I was going through and come over to chat, give a hug and tell me that I was going to get through it and that I would be just fine.  Made me cry every time - still does when I think about it.  Never underestimate the power you have to brighten someone's day and take advantage of reaching out when you can.  It really does mean the world to the person you reach out to and they will not soon forget your kindness.

Give compliments freely.
Smile at a stranger.
Engage people in conversation when you can.
Lend a hand when you see that your hand can be used.
Love and be confident within yourself and you will automatically gravitate to the needs of others.

I will leave you with one of my favorite sayings:

Today my gratitude outweighs my expectations.  Today is a very good day.

Close but no Cigar...I mean no Cancer! One year post TNBC diagnosis.

This coming Tuesday will mark one year since I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer.  What a year it has been.  This last week was a stressful, worrisome week because almost to the day of my mammogram/ultrasound testing last year, I found a small hard lump on my right breast, accompanied by some tenderness and swelling in my arm pit.  My heart dropped and I went into instant fear that this was going to happen all over again.  I went to my oncologist to have her take a look at it.  After examination, she determined that yes, there was definitely a hard lump there (about the size of a small pea) but she would not be able to tell what it is without having an ultrasound test done.  I had the ultrasound test yesterday and it was determined to be a cyst - not dangerous!  The doctor who performed the ultrasound said it was most likely an oil cyst and was probably due to the trauma of the surgeries.  The lymph nodes looked fine on the ultrasound, not sure why the swelling and tenderness was there, but that has also cleared up for the most part.  You cannot imagine the relief that I felt when she gave me her diagnosis.  As an aside, the doctor that I saw yesterday for the ultrasound was the same doctor that did my biopsies and gave me the news that I had cancer last year.  It was like reliving a bad dream, almost to the day a year later and the same doctor performing the tests - I was so scared!

The doctor stated that what I felt is what a cancerous tumor feels like.  The only way to determine whether it is cancerous or not is by ultrasound and/or biopsy.  She told me very seriously that if I were to ever again feel something like this, not to assume that it is "just a cyst", but to take it seriously and get in for testing right away.  You don't want to take any chances with stuff like this.  If the lump felt soft - lumpy-bumpy, not so much to worry about.  They say that triple negative has the highest rate of recurrence within the first three years.  I am almost at year one and thankful that I am in the clear.

This was quite a wake-up call for me.  I was beginning to get a little bit lax with slipping a little bit on my healthy eating habits and allowing stress from work and other things creep back into my life.  While I haven't been living in fear of the cancer returning, this close call reminds me to stay on track and not take it for granted that I am cancer-free and that it won't ever return.  I still need to do my part to be as healthy as I can and to live life to the fullest.

OK, Universe, I got it.  You don't need to pop in with these reminders and lessons.  I'm a quick study and I got this!  Thanks for the gentle reminder and for getting me back on track.  I've got things to do and people to take care of.

And...curly chemo curls to try to manage :)