Thinking too much is bad for you.

Thinking too much is bad for you.  I have not been able to stop reading, thinking and researching breast cancer since my initial diagnosis.  I tend to be a very thinking, planning type of personality anyway but this is bordering on obsession and I can't seem to make myself stop.  I guess I have always believed that knowledge is power, but I must say, I'm not feeling very powerful right now.  My jaw aches from clenching, my whole body is tight and tense, my brain hurts from too much thinking.

I'm on vacation in Florida.  We had a full day - airboat ride on river where I was able to let this thing go for a little while; followed by a trip to the ice cream shop where I could only eat 1/2 of a scoop before feeling like it was bad for me and might feed the cancer; then a walk on the beach, dipping toes in the ocean and thinking that I may not be able to enjoy these little things while in the midst of chemo, etc.  While leaving the beach I got a call from the oncologist to set my first appointment with yet another doctor.  Damn, I almost got another 10 minutes of diversion.  This was the day on and off, but never really away from my thoughts.  This after staying awake almost all night researching and asking the magic Internet every question I could drum up about my type of cancer, treatment and reconstruction - or not reconstruction.

Battle plan - stop researching on Internet (easier said than done).  Trust that my doctors are experts in their profession and will guide me appropriately.  Keep talking and venting my fears and feelings so that I don't bottle my stress.  Get adequate sleep to prepare my body for what is about to come.

Now, I just need to learn how to turn off the looping thoughts in my brain, train myself to actually take deep breaths, turn minutes of relaxation into hours, if possible.  It sounds so easy - why is it so hard?

The good news is...your very fit with very little fat...The bad news is...

The good news is...  Interesting problem to have.  My reconstructive surgeon is going to attempt to utilize my own body fat to aid the reconstruction process.  While examining me for where he might harvest this fat, he commented on how little fat I harbor in my body. If they can just take that fatty bit on the insides of my knees that would be awesome!!!   Great, flattering news to hear unless you need lots of the material to fix a big problem.  Oh well, we'll see how this pans out.  The good news is that as a side effect of reconstruction I will trim up even more without working at it.  A big price to pay, but it is what it is...  I guess you have to look at the bright side no matter how small.

I have been eating lots - mostly out of nervousness and stress, but have still been keeping up my exercise to keep the stress at bay and it really does help.  I love my long walks and hikes and don't want to give them up to attempt to fatten up.   Guy says that he is going to fatten me up during the initial recovery and see if we can come up with a few pockets :)  Bring on those yummy milkshakes!

The bad news is...  The doctor called this afternoon with the results of the addendum to the pathology report.  It turns out I have what they call Triple Negative breast cancer.  This means that the cancer is negative for hormone receptors and will not respond to the hormone blocking drugs that are used in most breast cancer treatments.  The doctor informed me that this cancer is aggressive and fast growing but he again remarked that it is good that we caught it early.  He still seemed optimistic that I would probably not have to undergo radiation but could not say for certain.  Chemotherapy is a real possibility as this type of cancer is the more rare type and the most aggressive but we would have to wait to determine treatment until the results of the sentinal lymph nodes comes back.  I'm much more worried with this new news than I was yesterday.  Well, honestly freaked out - again.

I was told today that I would be in the hospital for between 2-4 days after the initial surgery.  When I told the nurse that I thought that I would be going home the same day, she remarked that this surgery was fairly complicated and would require a hospital stay.  I think it's finally beginning to set in.  I'm learning things like - a pain pump will be attached to my back during the entire surgery that will keep my upper torso numb during the procedures as well as for several hours afterwards; I will have several drains hanging out of me for several days after and will be very sore with limited mobility of my arms and upper body.  Argh!  It's real, and scary, and overwhelming.

Positive thought for the day...  The surgery will get the cancer out of my body - the lymph nodes will not test positive for cancer that has spread - I will be fine, I can do this.

Surgery Date Set

We just got word that the surgery is scheduled for Friday, September 13 at 1:00 p.m.  Yep, that is Friday the 13th!  Let's hope that this 13th is a lucky day and that everything goes well.  I am very grateful for my medical team thus far.  They are very good, caring and took no time to coordinate their schedules so that we can move forward without much delay.  Pre-op appointment is scheduled for September 3rd.

Please keep the good thoughts and prayers coming that the cancer is localized and has not migrated into any of the lymph nodes.  This will be the first of probably three surgeries to come to get rid of the cancer and perform the reconstruction - combined with whatever treatments the oncologist will recommend.  I am gearing up for a long road of recovery but with good spirits and all of you behind me I know I can do this.

Note to self... pray, eat, sleep, exercise, relax.

Doctors, Options - to reconstruct, how to reconstruct, that is the question...

I spent all day with Rosie on Saturday - the best therapy ever!  Michael came up from Long Beach Saturday evening and spent the night and part of Sunday with us.  It was so great to see him and get some quality time.  Yesterday was a touch and go day.  A few hard moments, a few more tears, but ended the day with a great concert and was able to get my mind off of the "C" word for a little while.

We had our appointment with the plastic/reconstructive surgeon this morning.  We have a great sense of confidence in this doctor.  He too explained everything in great detail and went over all of the options for reconstruction.  I am amazed at how many options there are to get the end result that you want.

We have to weigh all of the information that we received today and will spend some time going over our options with both surgeons prior to making a decision.  What we do know... double mastectomy with some sort of reconstruction.

The initial surgery will tell us how extensive the cancer treatment will be depending on what they find in the lymph nodes.  Keeping our fingers crossed that there will not be a need for radiation.  I'm not clear as to whether or not chemo is a given or an option depending on the findings.  Still need to get an oncologist on board to go over all of these details with us.

I received good advice from a girlfriend yesterday, that if I have to undergo chemo to go out before any treatments and buy a wig so that I'm not trying to shop for that silly thing when I feel terrible.  Wig shopping anyone?  Ugh!  We'll see, and will keep hope that this does not become a necessity.

That's it for now.  Off to pick up my Irish passport photos to get that thing renewed.  Continuing to look forward to vacation plans and great adventures on the other side of all of this nonsense.

Love to you all and thanks for the continued encouragement. <3

First Doctor's visit with Breast Surgeon Specialist

Guy and I went for our consultation with the breast surgeon today.  The doctor gave us a lot of good information that will help as we need to make some big decisions.

Good news:  Cancer was caught fairly early and prognosis is good.

The doctor could not tell us yet what stage as there are still some pathology tests in the works and until he goes in to remove the tumors and is able to have the lymph nodes tested he cannot be 100% certain.  He did make a good guess that he thought it would probably come back as Stage 1.  That is the best news we could have hoped for at this time.

Doctors recommendation based on findings thus far, size and locations of tumors is to perform mastectomy with reconstruction surgery.  This would ensure that all of the localized cancer is removed and would likely eliminate the need for radiation.  Depending on whether or not any cells have invaded the lymph nodes, he could not say whether or not we would need to do chemotherapy.

We have an appointment Monday morning with the plastic surgeon to go over any and all options for reconstruction and after that the two surgeons will coordinate a date for surgery.  I will be referred to an oncologist as well.

At this point, the earliest we will likely do the surgery will be the end of September.

In the meantime, we will be carefully weighing our options and continuing our research.  I will be diligent in keeping up exercise, good nutrition and stress relief in preparation for the upcoming surgery.

I feel relieved as the news today could have been much worse.  Guy and I will be traveling to Florida next week for a few days to celebrate his mom's 80th birthday.  A little fun in the sun and distraction will do me good.

Again, I thank you all for the good thoughts and prayers.

Team building

The first step to winning a huge battle is to get your army (team) behind you.  I am smart enough to know that while I try to be strong, I cannot do this alone.  At least not with much grace :)

You know who you are: my parents, my siblings, by children, my husband, my friends, co-workers, my medical team and the people I have yet to meet on this journey.  I am fortunate to have strong people surrounding me and I will lean on all of you from time to time.

My husband, Guy, will be my pillar and voice of reason minute by minute.  I am fortunate to have him by my side and I want all of you to know that you can talk to him at any time with your concerns and also know that I am in the best possible hands to get me through this along with all of you.

All of this will really start for me tomorrow after my first meeting with the breast surgeon specialist.  I have today to get my butt in gear and be ready for what is about to come.  Again, I decided to do this blog as a way to keep all of you informed and up to date.  It will be hard and somewhat stressful to try to remember who I told what to so this is how I've decided to handle this part.

What I need now from you, my team:

- No pity; only positive thoughts.  I don't want people feeling sorry for me.  It is what it is :)

- Strength - lots of it.

- Feedback - talk/comment to me and each other here, and feel free to call me anytime.  It's o.k., really.

- Humor - hey, s*i% happens.  Laughter and smiling a lot will probably help :)

What I need to do:

Focus on positive things.  I have lots of things in the works that will require positive attention like planning Rosie and Michael's wedding; continuing my research on eventual move to Ireland to reside there for a while (in fact meeting with an Irish fella today for lunch on just that topic), promised off-roading fun with Tim, Paula and Ian to put our jeeps to the test, singing and performing per usual hobby.

- Stress relief - if anyone has any bright ideas on helping me learn how to breathe.  Oddly, this is the first thing I ever learned how to do, but can't seem to remember to do it all the time these days.  I can barely unclench my jaws these days - argh!

- Conquering the "C" word that keeps creeping into my every thought.  No matter what I'm doing, even sleeping, that darn cancer is at the forefront of my mind.  Need to retrain my brain somehow.

- Exercise, sleeping through the night and good nutritian all need to be moved to the top of my priority.  I started by buying that nutribullet a week ago and have been getting more fresh, organic fruits and vegies than I have in ages.  Good stuff :)

So there you have it.  Thanks to all of you for everything and mostly for your love and caring.  We'll beat this and laugh about it now and later.  Let's go team!

THE FIGHT!

8/20/13 - DAY 1.
I cried a lot yesterday.  Got that over with.  Now I need to pull myself together, focus and beat this thing.  There are so many women out there who have fought and won the battle with disease.  They are an inspiration to me and I too will fight and win.  I am determined.  My biggest challenge right now will be to eliminate stress which is not the easiest thing for me to do.  I need to boost my immune system and stay healthy.  This means eating extremely well, continuing to exercise and get good rest.

I am tough.  I have been through some very hard times and situations in my past and have come through with flying colors.  I come from a strong family and I draw strength from them.  My husband is fiercely by my side and will do anything that it takes to offer me continual support and fight right along side me.  But what gives me the most strength and determination is that there is no question that I cannot be here for my kids.  As a mother, the three of them are as much a part of me as I am myself and this battle is more for them than me.  I also must fight hard for my mother - she has lost a child already in her life.  There will not be a second while she is still alive if I can help it.

I will attempt to summon all of the strength that I can, reduce as much stress that I can, stay healthy and tackle this thing head on.

I decided to write this blog to track my progress and to keep friends and family informed.  I'm hoping it will also give me something to focus positive energy on in order to reflect and stay strong.

I won't lie.  I'm scared as hell.  Mad as hell.  Determined as hell.  And about to be as mean as hell to this disease.

The battle begins - the start of my fight against breast cancer

About a month ago, I found a lump on my left breast.  It was hard and a bit tender to the touch.  I immediately followed up with my doctor and was scheduled for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound.  The radiologist not only saw the lump I had found, but she found two others nearby.  Because of the size and nature of these three masses, the radiologist determined that a biopsy needed to be done to determine whether or not they were cancerous.  I waited one week to have the biopsy performed and then another 6 days to get the results.

DIAGNOSIS:

8/19/13 - I received the call just as I was returning to my office after lunch.  I was diagnosed with IDC (invasive ductal carcinoma).  I am shocked, mad, scared and confused all at once while wrapped up in a tight ball of stress.  After taking a moment to let this news sink in, I left my office and drove home to team up with my husband to talk this through and begin a strategy of attack.  We talked, I cried, we researched the best breast surgery specialists in the area and directed my personal care physician to refer me to our choice of doctors.  I was told by the radiologist that the first step would be to find a good breast surgeon to take the cancer out and then an oncologist would be next to determine follow up treatment as necessary.  I will meet with the surgeon on Thursday, 8/22 to plan next steps and to find out what stage this cancer is.

I spent this first day informing my children, immediate family, and very close friends of the news while going in and out of fretful states to very determined fighting mode, back to crying, imagining the worst, crying some more and eventually falling into a light and uneasy sleep.  So it begins...