Thinking too much is bad for you. I have not been able to stop reading, thinking and researching breast cancer since my initial diagnosis. I tend to be a very thinking, planning type of personality anyway but this is bordering on obsession and I can't seem to make myself stop. I guess I have always believed that knowledge is power, but I must say, I'm not feeling very powerful right now. My jaw aches from clenching, my whole body is tight and tense, my brain hurts from too much thinking.
I'm on vacation in Florida. We had a full day - airboat ride on river where I was able to let this thing go for a little while; followed by a trip to the ice cream shop where I could only eat 1/2 of a scoop before feeling like it was bad for me and might feed the cancer; then a walk on the beach, dipping toes in the ocean and thinking that I may not be able to enjoy these little things while in the midst of chemo, etc. While leaving the beach I got a call from the oncologist to set my first appointment with yet another doctor. Damn, I almost got another 10 minutes of diversion. This was the day on and off, but never really away from my thoughts. This after staying awake almost all night researching and asking the magic Internet every question I could drum up about my type of cancer, treatment and reconstruction - or not reconstruction.
Battle plan - stop researching on Internet (easier said than done). Trust that my doctors are experts in their profession and will guide me appropriately. Keep talking and venting my fears and feelings so that I don't bottle my stress. Get adequate sleep to prepare my body for what is about to come.
Now, I just need to learn how to turn off the looping thoughts in my brain, train myself to actually take deep breaths, turn minutes of relaxation into hours, if possible. It sounds so easy - why is it so hard?
If you could use fat from another person, I'd be the first person in line to give you plenty of mine and would be happy to do so. I can only imagine what you are going through and you are doing all the things that I would be doing so don't think you are being obession in any way, its perfectly normal given what is going on. But enjoy the ice cream, that is not going to give you more cancer. Enjoy the walk in the ocean, cause their could be days while undergoing treatment where walking is the last thing you want to do. Please remember that everyone reacts to Chemo differently and you won't know how your body handles the chemo until you get there. Try to empty your mind, get a massage or something that will allow you to get away from your thoughts. It's very important that you create a space of being positive no matter how negative thing seem. Being positive will be important in your recovery and how your body handles the chemo. I know this from when a friend of mine had cancer and what helped her recovery. You are from strong stock and you CAN RECOVER. I know you are scared, and if I was in your shoes I would be in the same place, but do everything and I MEAN everything to move into a positive space. You have lots of support and love!!! You will recover and I believe this, just remember, you have a wedding to plan with Rosie and we all need you, including Camryn!!! I expect you to dance at Camryn's wedding when she finally gets married and I won't take no as an answer!!! Smile that amazing smile you have, enjoy your vacation, find some seashells, get some ice cream, eat and forget about dieting, you need all the fat you can get!!! Love you and let us know when you are back in the Bay Area, we need to do dinner or something before the surgery. Love you very much Michelle.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words Michelle.
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