Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Control...there is no such thing during chemotherapy

I cannot begin to express how it feels for a control freak to completely lose control and not be able to do anything about it.  The chemotherapy drugs, all of the drugs involved in attempting relief of the side effects of chemo and the side effects themselves have teamed up against me.  I am accustomed to being in control of my body and my mind and this part of the process is proving very difficult for me.  My emotions have completely run amok and I can't seem to talk to anyone these days without crying.

I realize that it is the medications and fatigue that is getting to me, but all the same it is very frustrating as I am attempting to be strong and realistic about what is going on.  It really boils down to control.  Cancer is not something you can control; chemotherapy and its effects on the mind and body are also something you cannot control.  This realization is very difficult for me.  I am fine when I am on my own and going about my usual routine.  I am also fine when I go out in public and am around other people.  The problem starts when I begin to open up and talk about how I feel; when someone shows concern or asks me questions about how I am doing - the buckets of tears start to flow.

Yesterday, I thought I'd be brave and go to a guided imagery class at the cancer center.  I was in a room with several other women going through the class process.  Everyone there was dealing with some sort of cancer and they all seemed normal and fine.  When the doctor (teacher) of the class got around to asking me a question, I broke down and started crying in front of everyone and was completely overwhelmed with emotion.  Embarrassing and frustrating for me.

Control...it's so controlling.  After talking to my mother, a dear friend and one of my son's today, I realize that I simply need to let it go.  My son reminded me that if I try to figure out how to let it go that I am still trying to control my feelings - that it is possible to let go and take one day or minute at a time.  To release the tension and stress that I am holding onto so tightly is essential to aiding in my recovery process.  Logically, I know these things; years of being who I am makes this difficult to accomplish.  I guess I'm wound a bit more tightly than I thought I was.

Another bridge to cross and hopefully some peaceful paths ahead.



Friday, October 25, 2013

Wigs on the Green!

Well, the gloves stayed on, but the hair went flying.  Last night was my hair shaving party at the kids house.  We started the evening with a hearty meal of good mexican food and then the festivities began.
My soon to be son-in-law was the brave soul who stepped up to man the clippers.  He did a fantastic job with nary a nick or cut to my delicate scalp.  My sweet husband stepped up next to have his head shaved in solidarity.  What a wonderful, kind gesture.  We are such a team.

My daughter would have jumped right in and let her waist long red hair fall to the floor were it not for the upcoming wedding in March.  We need that beautiful hair to hold up the veil!  And the boys, well let's just say...winter is coming and what mother would allow her kids to run around with cold heads?

It was a fun evening and I'm glad we pre-empted the chunks of hair falling onto the pillowcase and coming out in the shower.  I kind of like this look - not as bad as I thought it would be.  Hats and scarves are lined up and ready for the next few months to keep this big head warm.










Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Fatigue - it's so damn tiring!

Today marks one week since my first chemotherapy infusion (sounds like a spa treatment, huh?)  Not!
I have never felt more tired in my life.  The bone pain continues but I was able to steer clear of the pain meds during the day and just went for the Tylenol.  Rest assured, I will be loading up on everything under the sun tonight so that I can sleep all the way through.

My body aches as though I have a bad flu.  My energy level is at rock bottom.  The stomach issues did resolve today which was a good thing and, I was able to eat more yesterday and today.  Also, the allergic rash that I have been experiencing is getting a bit better with Benadryl and Hydrocortisone.  I pray for some reprieve from this fatigue over the next couple of weeks so that I can be strong for the next chemo session.

What I realized today is that I am not really battling cancer - I am battling chemotherapy drugs.  The drugs will win if I don't learn how to give in and treat each symptom as they come instead of pushing and fighting too hard.  Little by little this stuff will work itself out with me as the by-product of whatever is to come.  I just need to acknowledge how I feel and go with the flow.  I wish my body would cooperate with what my mind tells me.  Oh well...

I have become a very quiet person over the past couple of days.  I'm so tired most of the time that I don't even want to talk.  Guy talks to me and I mostly nod and grunt in return.  It's a good thing he likes talking to himself anyway :)

So enough of all of that.  Tomorrow will be better.   We will be spending some time with two of my kids and are having a hair shaving party.  It's time for the locks to come out and the hats to come on.   I'm sure I'll have some fun pics to post tomorrow.


Monday, October 21, 2013

Chemo: round 1 day 5 and first tissue expansion

Round 1 day 5, feeling much better than I did for the past 2 days but still varies by the minute.  I slept a lot over the past two days, but have been alert and awake all day today.  The bone pain continues along with the stomach cramping issues which is the most frustrating part.  I had some nausea this afternoon which I was able to keep at bay with anti-nausea meds and this has resolved as the day has moved along.  The walking continues to be the best medicine so far and Guy is persistent in getting me out there to move my body and breathe fresh air.  The past two walks, we ran into a peacock in our neighborhood - nice surprise :)

Another thing  that I need to do is to hone in on the foods that I should be eating to combat the stomach problems to get past this hurdle.   So far, it's a lot of hit and miss as to what is going to make me feel awful.  There is a lot of trial and error that has to take place before I will know how my body will respond.  My skin is getting more irritated and rashy as the chemo drugs affect the skin cell layers; another challenge.  Hopefully, I will continue to feel better and stronger each day leading up to the next infusion.

I went to my reconstructive surgeon this afternoon and he is impressed by the level of healing from the surgery and feels very positive about the future results and progress.  We decided to go ahead with the first tissue expansion and it went very smoothly.  Completely painless.  The doctor numbed the area and inserted a needle into the port of each expander and inserted a small amount of saline solution to each side to aid in the stretching process.  Everything went well and I don't feel any discomfort yet from the expansion.  Although, with the pain meds that I am taking for the bone pain, I doubt I'll feel any discomfort at all.

Emotionally, I have felt a bit fragile over the past couple of days.  I think a lot of it has to do with the medications themselves. I feel like crying for no apparent reason on and off during the day and it subsides as quickly as it comes on.  Or, just as quickly I can become very grouchy - which isn't as much of a stretch for me :)  Lots for the body and mind to deal with but hanging in there and remaining positive.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Effects of first round of chemotherapy.

So, here's how the first chemo cycle is panning out.  I had the infusion Wednesday and felt o.k. on Wednesday and Thursday.  Mild nausea and just a bit more tired than usual.   I went back to oncology on Thursday for my neulasta shot and for the most part I did not have much nausea, just really felt the fatigue coming on.  Friday came and I became increasingly fatigued as the day wore on.  Energy level was extremely low, mild nausea mid-day and as the day progressed I started having strange sensations in my mouth, tongue feeling a little swollen and dry and a strange taste in mouth.  Late afternoon Friday I started experiencing pains up and down my spine and in my hips so I began the pain meds to try to stay on top of the anticipated bone pain from the neulasta shot.

Friday night was miserable.  I was awake all night with back pain, neck pain, stomach cramps and horrible headache -- feeling like I have a horrible flu which continues today.  I was warned that by days 3-5 I would really start feeling a lot of the side effects and here they are.

So the cycle begins...spiral down, immune system will be at lowest between 7-10 days after infusion and then some increased energy and feeling somewhat better until the next infusion.  Thank God I only have to do this 3 more times.

I am very blessed to have Guy here with me.  He is making sure that I remain hydrated and that I am on top of my meds and food.  When all I want to do is lie down, he encourages me to take a stroll with him every couple of hours to go around the block to get fresh air and once I'm up and outside I do feel an increase of energy.  It's just so hard to motivate myself to get up and do it on my own.   He is a good man.




Thursday, October 17, 2013

Chemotherapy 1 down - 3 to go!

I had my first chemotherapy infusion yesterday.  It was pretty uneventful and has not yet left me feeling horribly nauseous just more on the tired side.

In all of my attempts to gain weight in anticipation of chemo by eating mexican food, hot fudge sundaes, etc. for the past month or so, I was only able to gain 2 pounds.  So, nutrition has to be a priority for me so that I don't lose and get weak during the treatments.  But, as my appetite is usually pretty good, I'm hoping to stay steady in that regard.

So, the process of chemo is that two days before, the day of, and the day after the infusions I have to take a drug called Dexamethasone twice per day.  This drug is a corticosteroid - similar to a natural hormone produced by our adrenal glands.  It's job is to relieve inflammation, help prevent allergic reactions caused by certain drugs, help with nausea and replaces the body's normal steroids when the adrenal glands aren't working well.  One of the side effects of this med is that is creates insomnia.  The first day that I took it I was awake all night - didn't sleep for even one hour.  I was a little wiser last night and took an anti-nausea pill that is sedating before going to bed and once in the middle of the night and I was able to sleep through the night.

So, for the first chemo treatment, Guy and I were escorted to a room full of reclining chairs.  There was only one other person there when we came in around 9:30 and a few more milled in during the time we were there.  The nurse promptly administered an I.V. into my arm to begin the process with the first part being a bag of sodium chloride.  The nurse injected anti-nausea meds and Benadryl into the bag to be infused prior to starting the Taxotere and Cytoxan.  About 15 minutes into the process, my arms and legs began involuntarily twitching (sometimes quite violently).  Per the nurse, it was caused by the Benadryl that is supposed to be helping against allergic reactions to the other drugs.  She told me that it has such an effect on me that next time to take one Clariton tablet the night before and the morning of infusion and that they would not administer the Benadryl next time.  This annoying side effect lasted about an hour before subsiding.

We finished with all of the I.V. meds around noon and were free to go.  All in all it went smoothly and I felt pretty good at home and throughout the night.

I went back to the oncologist office today to receive my neulasta shot which will stimulate by bone marrow to produce white blood cells.  I understand that this shot can cause bone pain for several days after it is administered.  I had it done about 2 hours ago and feel fine now, but have pain meds on hand if it starts to kick in.

Now, I just have to eat well, rest well, keep very well hydrated, exercise and keep as healthy as possible until the next infusion on November 6th.  I'll keep you posted on any side effects and changes that occur in the meantime.

Thanks for following and feel free to shoot out any questions if you have any :)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Game on!

Couple of extra pounds...check.
Flu shot...check.
Shingles shot...check.
Cancer hats at the ready...check.
NutriBullet ready to shake it up...check.
Vitamins...check.
House clean...check.
Cozy blankets and socks ready...check.
Chemo bag with tablet, pen, book, goodies...check.

Bad Ass fighting attitude...check.
Smirking in the face of these dastardly drugs...check.
Confidence that I will get through this with grace and strength...check.
Family and friends by my side...check.

Bring it Chemo!  We know who is going to win here.
Game on!


Monday, October 14, 2013

Chemotherapy class today...

Today was chemo class in preparation for my first chemotherapy session on Wednesday.  I had blood work done and all of my numbers and blood cell counts were in normal range - anemia from surgery is gone.  The class was very informative and we were given all of the information that we needed on how to take the prescription drugs (there are five of them!) that go along with the chemo drugs to keep nausea and pain at bay.  I will be given Taxotere and Cytoxen as the chemo drugs with some anti-nausea meds infused as well.  I will then have to return 24 hours later for a shot of Neulasta which will cause my bone marrow to kick up the production of white blood cells to help lower the risk of infections.  Apparently, it is this shot that causes the bone pain associated with chemotherapy.

Before each infusion my blood will be drawn and analyzed to make sure that the counts are high enough to proceed with the next treatment.  The information was coming in in great abundance and at rapid-fire speed - I'm grateful that Guy was there with me and took good notes.  The key points that I walked away with were that I will be at very high risk for infections so it is very important that I stay away from crowds or anyone who is sick at a minimum of 7-10 days after my infusion when my immune system will be at its weakest.  It is essential to stay very hydrated, control nausea, and get good nutrition and exercise as much as possible.

Sorry liver and other organs that have to endure all of these medications :(  But, we have to work together to kick this cancer's A** and get on with a stronger, healthier life!

Friday, October 11, 2013

4 weeks post double mastectomy surgery and doing well.

Today I am 4 weeks post surgery.  I am feeling pretty good.  Energy is almost back to normal and I am for the most part pain free.  I feel no pain and very good on the right side and the left side is coming along albeit a bit slower.  The left side feels tight and uncomfortable with a lot of sensitivity to the skin which is most likely nerves reconnecting.  I had the lymph node taken from the left side as well - so more work was done on that side and it makes sense that it is taking longer to heal.   There is still some difficulty with full range of motion on the left side and I am not supposed to be doing anything that over works the pec muscles - so still taking it easy with upper body movements.  The worst part for me is that my back aches constantly and more than usual from the lack of upper body exercise and from having to sleep only on my back for these past weeks.  Some of you may know that my spine is fused from T-4 to L-2 so I am not very flexible in the back.  As I have lost some muscle tone and have not been able to stretch properly, my back has really tightened up.  I can't wait to be able to stretch and move in a normal manner to help remedy this issue.

I have been doing a lot of walking, eating and resting in order to get ready for chemo which starts on Wednesday.   I'm as ready and prepared as one can be and have faith that I will weather this next phase in my battle with strength and grace.  I'm hoping to be able to get out every day for some sort of exercise to try to combat the fatigue that comes along with chemo.  And, I am hoping to take a yoga class to see if that helps to get my range of motion back and also to relieve some tension in my back.

So, all in all I feel that I am doing very well and right on schedule.  The battle continues and will be ramping up but I feel more than ever that I will be better and stronger on the other side of all of this with the cancer behind me and lots of life to look forward to.







Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Girl power cancer fighting team!

My dear friend Cynthia and her sidekick Sandy took these photos in support of my fight against breast cancer.  When I need a good laugh, I can always count on these ladies.  They are so much fun and I truly appreciate the support and humor.  


Check out those guns!  Thanks ladies for being on my team.  Love you tons!

Monday, October 7, 2013

Hair today...Gone tomorrow!

You know when your hair gets to that awkward in between stage and is driving you crazy?  Well, that has been me for the past couple of weeks.  With chemotherapy just nine days away and hair loss likely a couple of weeks after that, what's a girl to do?

I went to a very cheap hair salon today after picking up a prescription at CVS.  I sat down in the chair and here's how it went...

-Me:  I want a very, very short haircut.  Like a really short pixie style.

-Hair stylist:  Why do you want to go so short, you are a very pretty woman and you don't want to look like a boy.

-Me:  I just want it really short.  I don't want to have to style it or anything.

-Hair stylist:  Well, you need to have some sort of bangs because you have a long forehead and it will look funny without bangs.  

-Me:  OK, leave a little bangs, but other than that go really short.

What was I really thinking?  Hey lady, you have no idea just how much real estate I'll be sporting on that forehead in just a couple of weeks.  Get to clipping!

So, I got that short in between doo... in between hair today and gone tomorrow :)  It's only hair and I kinda like it really short.







Thursday, October 3, 2013

No tissue expansion today :)

Today I went to my reconstructive surgeon fully expecting my first saline injection into the tissue expanders.  The doctor confirmed that I am healing very well but decided against the planned expansion for the time being for a couple of reasons:

- I am having a lot of discomfort on the left side.  I still have some bruising along with a bit of swelling and hardness.  In addition, there is a lot of over-sensitivity of the skin - pins and needles feelings as the nerves are trying to regenerate.
- The right side skin is still kind of over-stretched and he wants to let that be for a few more weeks before trying to stretch it even more.

I am somewhat relieved that we did not expand today as I have heard that it can be quite painful for a few days afterwards and we are planning a little get away this weekend to have some fun before chemo begins.  I can't wait for a change of scenery and to get further from this house than the doctor's office and the grocery store!  Thanks to my lovely husband for insisting that we take some time to get away and spend some relaxing quality time together away from the recovery zone :)

The doctor gave me a prescription today for Neurontin to help ease the nerve pain on the left side.  When he handed me the prescription he indicated that this drug is commonly used for seizures and that it is important to wean off of it slowly rather than just to stop taking it, or it could possibly cause a seizure - yikes!  I'm feeling right now like I might not fill the prescription as the pain that I feel is not intolerable - just annoying and frustrating at this point.  And, since I will be starting chemo in two weeks wherein my body will be infiltrated with drugs, I'm not sure that I want to add more prior to chemo unless it is absolutely necessary.  I'm thinking that it might be best to suck up the discomfort and tough it out at this point.  Any thoughts?

The big news from the doctor's visit is that I can begin soaking in the bathtub again.  Yes, yes, yes!  How I've missed my evening baths.  And, I can finally get out of this post-surgical camisole that I've been wearing night and day for the last three weeks (switching between two for laundering, of course).  Things are progressing in the healing department and I am feeling stronger with more energy every day for the time being.

Positive thoughts and feelings do help with recovery and I must say that my mental state throughout all of this has been very good and I do believe that is why I am recovering so nicely.  Thanks to all of my family and friends for the continued positive reinforcement.  Love you all!




More resources and support at every turn

I recently found out that through my medical insurance I am provided a case management service at no cost to me.  I received a visit from a nurse case manager yesterday who is going to assist me through the chemotherapy process.  The nurse confided in me that she herself is a 7 year survivor of breast cancer.  It is nice to have someone monitoring my progress who has actually gone through this herself.  She will call me 1-2 times per week to answer any questions that I might have, monitor my progress, and to make sure that I am hydrating properly and getting proper nutrition.  Her job is also to act as my medical advocate in the event that I need any assistance in that area.  This is a nice service and I am lucky that my insurance covers this.  I feel sad for those who have not had the benefit of these types of services and have had to go it alone.

My chemotherapy is scheduled to begin on October 16.  I will undergo four treatments, three weeks apart for three months.  The medications will be administered via I.V. at my Oncologist's office and it takes about three hours for this process to take place.  I am grateful that I only have to have four infusions - it will be much easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel and get through this.

I continue to be surprised and blessed by all of the support and resources that are out there for those of us fighting breast cancer.


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Race for the Cure San Francisco September 2013

We had a wonderful day out with our daughter on Sunday to support her as she ran in the race for the cure.