Cancer's mind games...

I am through with chemo and I am thrilled.  In the same breath, I am frustrated and unsettled.  It is true that each round of chemo is harder on the body than the last.  The effects are cumulative and the fatigue gets worse each time.  All of that combined with the anemia that I am experiencing has drained every ounce of energy from my body and has left me wholly feeling like I am battling a bad flu.

It's kind of like a bad joke:  Your done!  You made it!  You can go forward and reclaim your health! - but wait...You won't be able to get out of bed!  You will feel more tired than ever!  Your muscles and bones will ache horribly!  What is this cruel joke?  I am ready to move forward and feel better - now.  Patience is not a virtue that I hold.  My mind tells me that I must move forward and begin to exercise my body and feel better.  My body says, no - give it more time - we are not through feeling the effects of the last chemo.

The good news is that I know I will get there.  I must work on the patience end of things and go with the flow.  Hard for me, but I'm learning.  I have to remember that the chemo before this set me back an entire three weeks and then the next one was upon me.  Therefore, I know that it will be at least three weeks from the last one before I begin to turn the corner on the bad effects and after that it will take months to rebuild my stamina and begin to feel normal energy.  Patience, perseverance and hard work are in order.  

The Husband’s Job

Okay men. Listen-up. If your wife has breast cancer, these are your marching orders.

[And this tome is for men. Not spineless boys who leave their wives when cancer strikes, as I have read horror stories about. Not wimps, who promised in sickness and in health, then flaked when the former occurred. This is for men who have honor and keep their word.]

When your wife gets the call, your life changes. All your petty worries and frustrations magically vanish because you now have one single priority. The clarity and, strangely the peace of mind, is amazing and will help your through this as you help your woman through it. So strap-in and learn what your jobs are.

Be there 

Go to all of the doctor appointments. Cancer is a complex threat, and it is better to have two heads and four ears. The flood of information is huge, and what one person misses, the other will catch. Her life may depend on what you hear and remember.

More importantly, be there for her. At times she will feel very alone because she is the only one with the disease. Every hug, touch, gesture and soft word let’s her know she isn’t alone after all.

Listen 

Your wife will endure a lot of changes. She will go from robust to bed-ridden exhausted. She will lose her hair and at times her psychological strength. Her bones will ache from the drugs, her legs will cramp and her stomach will want to hurl.

Listen to help with symptoms, medications and tactical support. But you also listen because when someone has debilitating poisons injected into their blood every few weeks, and it brings them so very low, having someone to hear their woes is medicine itself.

Do stuff 

Many men will be amazed at how quickly a house can fall apart with their wife is on the DL. You will need to do more … perhaps everything. Learn to love grocery shopping (that is your alone time now). Learn to cook, or at least assemble foods that have something resembling taste and nutrition. Clean (women like clean).

But also do take her out. When enduring chemo, a woman can be trapped in a house, or even a room for days at a time. Put her in the car and take her for a drive … anywhere. The more beautiful the better. Just keep her in touch with sun, rain, birds, lights, life. This not only makes her now happier, but it gives her an anchor in the future … a little more to hold on and look forward to.

Coax, push, pull 

There will be times when her fatigue makes her want to do nothing, not even change the channel. One of your jobs is to get her on her feet, out the door, and going for short walks. This is not only medically beneficial, but helps to raise her energy levels. You are her physical therapist, and a walk around the block is a miracle tonic.

Oh, and hold her hand, just because.

Love 

If I have to tell you this part, then you are hopeless. But just in case, understand that a little affection can mend broken hearts. Your wife is literally facing death, not to mention the loss (hopefully temporary) of her femininity, her hair, her looks, her strength and her glory. She will feel mighty low physically and spiritually. A long hug from you can make all that seem, for a tiny moment, unimportant.

Last Chemo Treatment Done!

I had my last chemo treatment yesterday.  I am so happy to have this part of my breast cancer journey over - lots of reason to celebrate!  Each treatment was progressively worse and I do have to wait for this treatment to work it's magic and drag me down for a few weeks before I start the upswing to feeling better.  I can't wait!  The not-so-good news yesterday was that my labs showed that my anemia has worsened since chemo #3.  My doctor determined that the best course of action at this point is weekly shots of Procrit to stimulate my bone marrow to produce more red blood cells.  I had the first of these injections yesterday.  The chemotherapy drugs basically destroy the cells in the bone marrow which is why I take Neulasta shots after each chemo treatment to bring up the white blood cells.  Now the red cells need help as well.  The doctor fears that if my red cells drop any further during this treatment that I will end up needing a blood transfusion which is not ideal.

I was really worried about taking yet another drug on top of all of the chemo drugs in addition to all of the medications that I take for the side effects of chemo and did some research on Procrit.  The research and the side effects listed were a little disconcerting so when I went to the doctor today for the Neulasta shot, Guy and I sat with her and went over the pros and cons very closely.  After the conversation that Guy and I had with the doctor, we determined that the benefits do outweigh the risks and the doctor ensured us that it is a commonly prescribed drug that a lot of her patients have taken over a much longer period of time than I will need it.

This day marks an end to one part of the journey and a beginning to the next phase.  I believe that I am now cancer free and that the treatments did what they were supposed to do.  For this I am excited and grateful.  But...I will need to retrain my brain to accept this as fact and not worry over the next 5 years or so about any secondary cancers or recurrence.   Triple Negative breast cancer has one of the highest risks of recurrence so this lingers in the back of my mind.  A lifetime of thinking, planning and worrying about the future will be hard to change, but I will attempt every day to live in the moment and focus on the good that every day brings.  Easier said than done?  We'll see.

Inspiring words from Robin Roberts:

If you are depressed, you are living in the past
If you are anxious, you are worrying about the future
If you are relaxed and calm, you are living in the moment.

Words to remember and live by.  Today I have conquered breast cancer!  I am a survivor!

Breathing and other things...

Breathe.  We start our lives with the act of breathing that will then take us through to the very end.  When we are babies, we breathe deeply into the belly in a relaxed fashion.  Somehow throughout the years we forget how to breathe in this easy, natural way and end up taking shallow breaths, and even holding our breaths for long periods of time when we are concentrating on work, for example.

I realized only a week or so ago, that it was difficult for me to take really deep, easy breaths.  I had spent so many years holding my breath while at work, when stressed and just in general was taking more shallow breaths than deep healthy ones.  I think a lot of us do this without realizing it.  Especially those of us who tend to worry too much.

Now that I have a better awareness of my stress levels and the lack of breath, I find myself once again able to take those relaxed belly breaths which really helps me to release some of the muscle tension that I hold in my body.  It seems so unnatural that one would even have to think about breathing, but I do.

Let go of stress and worry.  This has been very hard for me.  But I am learning.  If I had to blame getting cancer on anything, it would be stress.  It may or may not be the case, but I'd like to blame something.  At work I stress, trying to accomplish every task very quickly and with perfection.  There is nothing wrong with that, but the alternative of not treating every task as an emergency and easing through the project will not harm anyone.  It will still get done and will be done without me holding my breath and being so tense about it.  In life I tend to stress and worry about a lot of things.  I am slowly learning to let things go.  There is only so much you can control.  What happened in the past should remain in the past.  Living for today and focusing on the present allows me to get through each day without stress and worry.  Worrying about the future does not make sense because we don't really know what the future holds as life and circumstances are ever changing.  These are sometimes hard lessons to learn.

Being diagnosed with breast cancer and taking time away from work to undergo chemo treatments has given me time to reflect and learn a bit more about how I behave and react to things.  I need to be more forgiving with myself, take better care of myself and try not to be all things to everybody else all of the time.  Not to be selfish, but to have more awareness.  We should all remember to breathe properly, let go of stress, laugh, eat well and exercise every day.  I believe this is essential to good health.

Last chemo!.  In two days I go in for my last chemo - hurray!  The third one was very difficult and unlike the other two where I felt pretty good the last week before the next treatment - this week my energy level is still very low, I am suffering with extreme fatigue in my muscles which is a new symptom for me this time, pain in my ribs, extremely dry skin and insomnia.  I am taking one day at a time with a positive mindset that I will feel better and trying not to worry that the next treatment will be worse.  I have to remind myself what I said above, just focus on today and make each day a good one.

With that all said and done - muscle fatigue or not - I'd better strap on my tennis shoes and take this body out for a walk to breathe in some fresh air and get a little sun on my face while the day is still young.  Practice what I preach :)

New developments in Triple Negative breast cancer research.

Please click on the link below to read about new developments in treating triple negative breast cancer.  I'm so happy to see more research and progress as this is a very aggressive type of breast cancer.


http://www.thealmagest.com/triple-negative-breast-cancer-target-drug-development-identified/5315

I felt like I'd been shot but didn't fall down.

I feel like I'm finally turning the corner on chemo round 3.  Today is day 13 and my energy level has increased and I feel a lot more human.  For the past two weeks I felt like I'd been shot but didn't fall down (to borrow a line from a Lucinda Williams song).  The fatigue was horrible and I developed neuropathy which I now have to take more medicine for. And there were the usual stomach issues and bone pain to contend with.  All but the fatigue and neuropathy have subsided leaving me to feel a lot better.  The neuropathy is a strange thing.  My fingers and toes are numb but my hands and feet get extremely cold.  I could not feel the right side of my right foot earlier and all I could do was take a hot bath to get the feeling back.  Weird...

I have started physical therapy to try to address the back pain that has gotten progressively worse since I began chemotherapy.  Due to the decrease in exercise and the increase of sitting/laying around and putting more pressure on my back bones and muscles the pain in that area as increased significantly.  I'm hoping that by undergoing physical therapy and getting on a regular routine of appropriate stretches and exercises that I can get ahead of the game in getting my body back into good physical condition once I have completed my treatments.  So far it seems to be helping to ease some of the pain.

All of last week I attempted to get out and walk every day.  Just getting around the block left me exhausted and very winded.  Today I clocked 1.25 miles and felt great.  I love this phase in the cycle when I start to feel better and know that I have 10 days until the next treatment where I can get a thing or two accomplished and move my body and get out of the house.  There will be both good and not so good days but the good will outnumber the bad at this point and for that I am grateful.

So, what will I do with the next 10 days?  I will attempt to get out and walk each day, try to hit the gym and do light circuit weights every other day, go to physical therapy, visit my doctor and be extremely thankful to be alive and doing as well as I am considering the circumstances.

I hope that everyone reading this will stay warm in this chilly weather, hold those near and dear to you close and don't take your health for granted.  Take good care of yourselves!

Also, thanks so much for all of the lovely cards of good wishes that you have and continue to send to me.  I have strung them all up on the walls going up and down my staircase.  I pass by and see them every time I go up or down the stairs and I soak in all of the good vibes and well wishes as I walk by.  My staircase is wonderfully decorated with love and it makes me smile and I feel the love every time I walk by those cards.  Thank you....

Chemotherapy Round 3 so far hitting harder than the last two

I had round 3 of 4 chemo infusions this past Wednesday.  I was told this day that I am very anemic and although my blood pressure was good, my pulse was pretty high.  Went from 66 before 1st chemo to 89 at this one.  I typically don't feel the effects of the chemo for a day or two after the infusion, but this one hit me pretty hard the very next day.  I put in a full day yesterday with Thanksgiving festivities and all (which turned out to be an awesome day with my husband and kids), but today I am completely exhausted, nauseous and spent and will likely not be getting out of bed for most of the day.  My body is putting out the orders for today.

I was told early on that the fatigue compounds with each infusion and I am seeing that effect clearly now.  The neulasta shot to induce the bone marrow to produce white blood cells will take place Monday and the next wave of pain and other symptoms will come on a bit later than usual which will prolong this cycle a tad.  I'm am focusing on keeping my eye on the prize and getting through this cycle as there will only be one more to go.  Hard stuff, but doable and I will be much better off when this is said and done.

When I was in for the infusion on Wednesday, I had the pleasure to meet a woman who was there for her very first time.  She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and was, as I remember at that time, reeling from all of the bad news and new information that she was receiving.  It felt really good to me to be able to talk her through some of her worries, answer questions for her and provide her with some information on resources that she can look into and use to help ease her mind and the process.  You get an overwhelming sense of panic and worry when you are first diagnosed and I really feel for those that ever have to go through this horrible process.  If I have a message to anyone out there, just know that the medical community has come such a far way with diagnosis and treatments and the rates of survivorship go up all of the time.  There are plenty of resources to help us through the process and most importantly positive thoughts, good spirits and surrounding yourselves with love and support are the best things that you can do.  You cannot and should not try to do it alone and should not be afraid to ask for assistance.  Be aware of good nutrition and exercise - with or without cancer it is necessary.  Good foods can fight and deter cancer and cancer cells don't thrive well with oxygen so exercise is essential.

My hope is that everyone enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and will continue on with good health and happiness.  Keep your families and friends close and stay away from negative energy.

Health and hugs to all!

Thanksgiving week and a lot to be thankful for...

It is easy to get lost in counting the days to the next chemo treatment and the miseries of the side effects that each treatment brings.  This disease really does bring you down to a day by day and sometimes minute by minute way of living as you really don't know how you will feel at any given time.

This, being Thanksgiving week brings me to reflecting on all of the great things in life and all that I have to be thankful for.

• I have the best family... parents, siblings, children, husband, in-laws and extended family (and two cats).  I am grateful every day for their love and support and just knowing that they are there for me and I for them.
• I am grateful for my best friends and co-workers who continue to keep me positive and provide support for me.
• I am thankful for all of the prayers and positive thoughts that are sent on my behalf.
• For having a roof over my head and being able to get by financially while off work as I continue treatment.
• For the kind and wonderful medical community who I have been working with and who continue to keep me in good care.
• I am thankful that I have a good job and health insurance and that my job will be there for me to go back to when I am finished with treatments.
• For the drugs, oh yes, the drugs that help me to manage the side effects of this awful chemotherapy.
• For all of the resources and people who volunteer their time and services to help those suffering with cancer and chemotherapy.
• For my sense of humor, for without it I would truly be lost.  
• For my good bone structure (thanks parents!) so that I can sport a bald head and still look good :)
• I am incredibly thankful that I noticed the tumors early enough so that they were able to be removed before spreading to other parts of my body.  
• I am thankful to be alive.

There are way too many things that I am thankful for to list - it would take forever.  I will endeavor to remain positive and thankful every day and only hope that I can repay all of those who have helped me through this in some way.  

I will be heading into Round 3 of chemo this next Wednesday and will then just have one more infusion to go on December 18th.  I am so looking forward to 2014!

I wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving full of love, family and friends.  

Chemo, the new "B" word!

Bone pain, bloated, bitchy, beyond annoyed...  Today is day 10 of my 2nd round of chemo and I think I am beginning to turn the corner on this one.  But...the bone pain continues to remind me that my body is under constant attack (I ache terribly all the way up my spine and into my head), the fatigue is letting up a bit, my stomach is bloated and very uncomfortable (yet to figure that one out) for days now, my patience level is in the negative numbers leaving me somewhat of an uneven temper - well just plain bitchy at times, and my legs sometimes feel like they are going to give out from under me for no apparent reason.

I am grateful that this time around I have not experienced the uncontrollable crying fits that I had last time.  I've traded crying for complaining this time.  But, like I said, I think I am turning the corner.  I feel that I will get more relief from these symptoms each day and I have 11 more days to enjoy before the next treatment.  I'd better get my attitude under control before my dear husband who calls me Sweetpea changes my name to Snapdragon!

I am not the most patient of persons and have found out that I am certainly not the most patient of patients.  I have 11 days to try to do better and then, no telling what will happen.  Thank goodness for a husband who is tough and will allow me to vent, knowing that while I aim everything at him because he is within ear shot, it's really not about him and he can and does take it well.  Strong shoulders and a solid heart are priceless at times like these.

When I texted my daughter a couple of days ago that I was as grouchy as a wildabeast.  She graciously offered to phone the next morning to make sure that Guy was still alive and well :)

It's Friday and I'm looking forward to a wonderful birthday weekend with Guy.  Surprises are just around the corner and lots to smile about.

Happy weekend everyone <3

Hair Loss! No Joke, they said it was coming...

Just like the doctors told me...the hair loss would begin by chemo session #2.  The hair is leaping off of my body like rats abandoning a sinking ship!  Now, in some regards it's o.k.  I can put those razors away for a while and have those nice silky legs with no cuts or nicks.  I prepared myself for the bald head a'coming by shaving it close to the scalp in preparation and that's no big deal.  But my eyebrows...wait!  I was still using them.  I've never been the best makeup artist and am not really fond of the drawn on look - holy @$%*!  I guess I'll just have to adjust to these changes, but jeez can I at least keep my eyelashes?  They are still in tact for the time being and I am quite fond of them.  Perhaps we can draw the line there.  We don't need mention other areas except to say that I feel sorry for all of the folks who spend lots of money on waxing - I get it for free!

The money I would normally pay for shampoo, conditioner and styling products is now being re-routed to copays for doctors and prescriptions.  This chemo stuff is no laughing matter.  There is something new at every turn.  Oh well, another adventure in life - never a dull moment and we can learn from every situation.  I am learning to listen to my mind and body, to be more tolerant and less judgmental of myself and my appearance.  I think sometimes we as humans spend way too much time focused on what's happening around us and what other's think of us that we don't benefit from getting to know our true selves and what really matters the most.

I am lucky, I am blessed with a wonderful family, the best children and husband, and the best friends a girl can ask for.  Sick or well, life is good and I am happy.

Second Round of Chemo - let the games begin!

Yesterday was round 2 of 4 of my chemo sessions.  I was so blessed to have both Guy and Rosie with me for support and company.  Everything went according to plan and pretty uneventful.  I had had a bad reaction with the Benadryl that they shot into me with the first round, so we were able to avoid that drug and I just took a Claritan tablet before the procedure which worked just fine.  Guy left after the meeting the with the doctor and I was settled into the infusion chair and that left Rosie and I to visit and go over wedding plans.  Great distraction and productive at the same time.

The nurses at the infusion center are awesome.  Whereas it usually takes 2 to 3 pokes every time to get IV's into me, they have been able to hit it the first time both times I have been there.  Makes a huge difference when you don't have to go through the multi-pokes which is historically a huge problem for me.

We were sitting there waiting for the IV drips to process for about 3 hours which went through the lunch hour.  At the end, the nurse said to Rosie and I..."you guys must be hungry and probably heading out for a bite to eat".  Of course, we had already made plans on where we were going to go and told her "yes, we are going to grab something as soon as we leave here".  To that she replied, "that sounds good, I just wouldn't recommend going out for any greasy mexican food or anything like that".  We smiled politely in acknowledgement.  In short time, we were in the jeep and heading down the road to El Burro, our favorite local mexican restaurant according to our original plan.  Stubborn and determined?  Maybe.  But we had a plan, the food was great (I took an anti-nausea pill preventatively) but did just fine.  Mind over matter :)  

Today is pretty good so far.  I will head back to the oncology center for my neulasta shot this afternoon and tomorrow is when all of the bone pain and fatigue will begin to take over for the next couple of weeks.  Here we go again....

Heading into Round 2

As I prepare to endure round 2 of chemo, I am reflecting on how the first round treated me.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be but I did get through it.  There were days that I wondered if I would.  The last week was really pretty good and I even got a couple of days at the beach and felt normal for a little while.  This is what I need to focus on as I go into this next phase.  I need to remember that last week before the next infusion and that I will be able to go out and do things with more energy and enjoyment.  It's kind of like the most horrible job you can imagine and having a schedule of two weeks on and one week off.  Looking forward to that one week gets you through.

I think that I may have tried to fight the symptoms a little too hard the first time and plan to give in a bit with this round.  By that I mean taking it a bit more easy and not pushing myself as hard to try to feel normal when it simply is not possible.  Not rushing to go out and do too much until that first two weeks has run its course.  Although I do need to muster up the energy to do some exercise every day no matter what.  Working the toxins through and out of my body as fast as possible helps in the recovery process.

Every day I think of the millions of people who have to go through chemotherapy.  Most of them have much longer courses of treatment that I will have and my heart goes out to them.  Knowing how difficult it is on your body, your life and everyone around you, I am amazed by the strength and and perseverance of people who do get through this and I am honored to be among them.

So, today I will get out of the house - have lunch with a friend, do some shopping, accompany my husband to an open house this evening, followed by a class at the cancer center.  Good food, friends and sunshine is my recipe for a beautiful last day of round 1.

Control...there is no such thing during chemotherapy

I cannot begin to express how it feels for a control freak to completely lose control and not be able to do anything about it.  The chemotherapy drugs, all of the drugs involved in attempting relief of the side effects of chemo and the side effects themselves have teamed up against me.  I am accustomed to being in control of my body and my mind and this part of the process is proving very difficult for me.  My emotions have completely run amok and I can't seem to talk to anyone these days without crying.

I realize that it is the medications and fatigue that is getting to me, but all the same it is very frustrating as I am attempting to be strong and realistic about what is going on.  It really boils down to control.  Cancer is not something you can control; chemotherapy and its effects on the mind and body are also something you cannot control.  This realization is very difficult for me.  I am fine when I am on my own and going about my usual routine.  I am also fine when I go out in public and am around other people.  The problem starts when I begin to open up and talk about how I feel; when someone shows concern or asks me questions about how I am doing - the buckets of tears start to flow.

Yesterday, I thought I'd be brave and go to a guided imagery class at the cancer center.  I was in a room with several other women going through the class process.  Everyone there was dealing with some sort of cancer and they all seemed normal and fine.  When the doctor (teacher) of the class got around to asking me a question, I broke down and started crying in front of everyone and was completely overwhelmed with emotion.  Embarrassing and frustrating for me.

Control...it's so controlling.  After talking to my mother, a dear friend and one of my son's today, I realize that I simply need to let it go.  My son reminded me that if I try to figure out how to let it go that I am still trying to control my feelings - that it is possible to let go and take one day or minute at a time.  To release the tension and stress that I am holding onto so tightly is essential to aiding in my recovery process.  Logically, I know these things; years of being who I am makes this difficult to accomplish.  I guess I'm wound a bit more tightly than I thought I was.

Another bridge to cross and hopefully some peaceful paths ahead.

Wigs on the Green!

Well, the gloves stayed on, but the hair went flying.  Last night was my hair shaving party at the kids house.  We started the evening with a hearty meal of good mexican food and then the festivities began.
My soon to be son-in-law was the brave soul who stepped up to man the clippers.  He did a fantastic job with nary a nick or cut to my delicate scalp.  My sweet husband stepped up next to have his head shaved in solidarity.  What a wonderful, kind gesture.  We are such a team.

My daughter would have jumped right in and let her waist long red hair fall to the floor were it not for the upcoming wedding in March.  We need that beautiful hair to hold up the veil!  And the boys, well let's just say...winter is coming and what mother would allow her kids to run around with cold heads?

It was a fun evening and I'm glad we pre-empted the chunks of hair falling onto the pillowcase and coming out in the shower.  I kind of like this look - not as bad as I thought it would be.  Hats and scarves are lined up and ready for the next few months to keep this big head warm.

Great information on health, immune system and fighting cancer

http://www.mumsnothavingchemo.com

Fatigue - it's so damn tiring!

Today marks one week since my first chemotherapy infusion (sounds like a spa treatment, huh?)  Not!
I have never felt more tired in my life.  The bone pain continues but I was able to steer clear of the pain meds during the day and just went for the Tylenol.  Rest assured, I will be loading up on everything under the sun tonight so that I can sleep all the way through.

My body aches as though I have a bad flu.  My energy level is at rock bottom.  The stomach issues did resolve today which was a good thing and, I was able to eat more yesterday and today.  Also, the allergic rash that I have been experiencing is getting a bit better with Benadryl and Hydrocortisone.  I pray for some reprieve from this fatigue over the next couple of weeks so that I can be strong for the next chemo session.

What I realized today is that I am not really battling cancer - I am battling chemotherapy drugs.  The drugs will win if I don't learn how to give in and treat each symptom as they come instead of pushing and fighting too hard.  Little by little this stuff will work itself out with me as the by-product of whatever is to come.  I just need to acknowledge how I feel and go with the flow.  I wish my body would cooperate with what my mind tells me.  Oh well...

I have become a very quiet person over the past couple of days.  I'm so tired most of the time that I don't even want to talk.  Guy talks to me and I mostly nod and grunt in return.  It's a good thing he likes talking to himself anyway :)

So enough of all of that.  Tomorrow will be better.   We will be spending some time with two of my kids and are having a hair shaving party.  It's time for the locks to come out and the hats to come on.   I'm sure I'll have some fun pics to post tomorrow.

Chemo: round 1 day 5 and first tissue expansion

Round 1 day 5, feeling much better than I did for the past 2 days but still varies by the minute.  I slept a lot over the past two days, but have been alert and awake all day today.  The bone pain continues along with the stomach cramping issues which is the most frustrating part.  I had some nausea this afternoon which I was able to keep at bay with anti-nausea meds and this has resolved as the day has moved along.  The walking continues to be the best medicine so far and Guy is persistent in getting me out there to move my body and breathe fresh air.  The past two walks, we ran into a peacock in our neighborhood - nice surprise :)

Another thing  that I need to do is to hone in on the foods that I should be eating to combat the stomach problems to get past this hurdle.   So far, it's a lot of hit and miss as to what is going to make me feel awful.  There is a lot of trial and error that has to take place before I will know how my body will respond.  My skin is getting more irritated and rashy as the chemo drugs affect the skin cell layers; another challenge.  Hopefully, I will continue to feel better and stronger each day leading up to the next infusion.

I went to my reconstructive surgeon this afternoon and he is impressed by the level of healing from the surgery and feels very positive about the future results and progress.  We decided to go ahead with the first tissue expansion and it went very smoothly.  Completely painless.  The doctor numbed the area and inserted a needle into the port of each expander and inserted a small amount of saline solution to each side to aid in the stretching process.  Everything went well and I don't feel any discomfort yet from the expansion.  Although, with the pain meds that I am taking for the bone pain, I doubt I'll feel any discomfort at all.

Emotionally, I have felt a bit fragile over the past couple of days.  I think a lot of it has to do with the medications themselves. I feel like crying for no apparent reason on and off during the day and it subsides as quickly as it comes on.  Or, just as quickly I can become very grouchy - which isn't as much of a stretch for me :)  Lots for the body and mind to deal with but hanging in there and remaining positive.

Effects of first round of chemotherapy.

So, here's how the first chemo cycle is panning out.  I had the infusion Wednesday and felt o.k. on Wednesday and Thursday.  Mild nausea and just a bit more tired than usual.   I went back to oncology on Thursday for my neulasta shot and for the most part I did not have much nausea, just really felt the fatigue coming on.  Friday came and I became increasingly fatigued as the day wore on.  Energy level was extremely low, mild nausea mid-day and as the day progressed I started having strange sensations in my mouth, tongue feeling a little swollen and dry and a strange taste in mouth.  Late afternoon Friday I started experiencing pains up and down my spine and in my hips so I began the pain meds to try to stay on top of the anticipated bone pain from the neulasta shot.

Friday night was miserable.  I was awake all night with back pain, neck pain, stomach cramps and horrible headache -- feeling like I have a horrible flu which continues today.  I was warned that by days 3-5 I would really start feeling a lot of the side effects and here they are.

So the cycle begins...spiral down, immune system will be at lowest between 7-10 days after infusion and then some increased energy and feeling somewhat better until the next infusion.  Thank God I only have to do this 3 more times.

I am very blessed to have Guy here with me.  He is making sure that I remain hydrated and that I am on top of my meds and food.  When all I want to do is lie down, he encourages me to take a stroll with him every couple of hours to go around the block to get fresh air and once I'm up and outside I do feel an increase of energy.  It's just so hard to motivate myself to get up and do it on my own.   He is a good man.

Chemotherapy 1 down - 3 to go!

I had my first chemotherapy infusion yesterday.  It was pretty uneventful and has not yet left me feeling horribly nauseous just more on the tired side.

In all of my attempts to gain weight in anticipation of chemo by eating mexican food, hot fudge sundaes, etc. for the past month or so, I was only able to gain 2 pounds.  So, nutrition has to be a priority for me so that I don't lose and get weak during the treatments.  But, as my appetite is usually pretty good, I'm hoping to stay steady in that regard.

So, the process of chemo is that two days before, the day of, and the day after the infusions I have to take a drug called Dexamethasone twice per day.  This drug is a corticosteroid - similar to a natural hormone produced by our adrenal glands.  It's job is to relieve inflammation, help prevent allergic reactions caused by certain drugs, help with nausea and replaces the body's normal steroids when the adrenal glands aren't working well.  One of the side effects of this med is that is creates insomnia.  The first day that I took it I was awake all night - didn't sleep for even one hour.  I was a little wiser last night and took an anti-nausea pill that is sedating before going to bed and once in the middle of the night and I was able to sleep through the night.

So, for the first chemo treatment, Guy and I were escorted to a room full of reclining chairs.  There was only one other person there when we came in around 9:30 and a few more milled in during the time we were there.  The nurse promptly administered an I.V. into my arm to begin the process with the first part being a bag of sodium chloride.  The nurse injected anti-nausea meds and Benadryl into the bag to be infused prior to starting the Taxotere and Cytoxan.  About 15 minutes into the process, my arms and legs began involuntarily twitching (sometimes quite violently).  Per the nurse, it was caused by the Benadryl that is supposed to be helping against allergic reactions to the other drugs.  She told me that it has such an effect on me that next time to take one Clariton tablet the night before and the morning of infusion and that they would not administer the Benadryl next time.  This annoying side effect lasted about an hour before subsiding.

We finished with all of the I.V. meds around noon and were free to go.  All in all it went smoothly and I felt pretty good at home and throughout the night.

I went back to the oncologist office today to receive my neulasta shot which will stimulate by bone marrow to produce white blood cells.  I understand that this shot can cause bone pain for several days after it is administered.  I had it done about 2 hours ago and feel fine now, but have pain meds on hand if it starts to kick in.

Now, I just have to eat well, rest well, keep very well hydrated, exercise and keep as healthy as possible until the next infusion on November 6th.  I'll keep you posted on any side effects and changes that occur in the meantime.

Thanks for following and feel free to shoot out any questions if you have any :)

Game on!

Couple of extra pounds...check.
Flu shot...check.
Shingles shot...check.
Cancer hats at the ready...check.
NutriBullet ready to shake it up...check.
Vitamins...check.
House clean...check.
Cozy blankets and socks ready...check.
Chemo bag with tablet, pen, book, goodies...check.

Bad Ass fighting attitude...check.
Smirking in the face of these dastardly drugs...check.
Confidence that I will get through this with grace and strength...check.
Family and friends by my side...check.

Bring it Chemo!  We know who is going to win here.
Game on!

Chemotherapy class today...

Today was chemo class in preparation for my first chemotherapy session on Wednesday.  I had blood work done and all of my numbers and blood cell counts were in normal range - anemia from surgery is gone.  The class was very informative and we were given all of the information that we needed on how to take the prescription drugs (there are five of them!) that go along with the chemo drugs to keep nausea and pain at bay.  I will be given Taxotere and Cytoxen as the chemo drugs with some anti-nausea meds infused as well.  I will then have to return 24 hours later for a shot of Neulasta which will cause my bone marrow to kick up the production of white blood cells to help lower the risk of infections.  Apparently, it is this shot that causes the bone pain associated with chemotherapy.

Before each infusion my blood will be drawn and analyzed to make sure that the counts are high enough to proceed with the next treatment.  The information was coming in in great abundance and at rapid-fire speed - I'm grateful that Guy was there with me and took good notes.  The key points that I walked away with were that I will be at very high risk for infections so it is very important that I stay away from crowds or anyone who is sick at a minimum of 7-10 days after my infusion when my immune system will be at its weakest.  It is essential to stay very hydrated, control nausea, and get good nutrition and exercise as much as possible.

Sorry liver and other organs that have to endure all of these medications :(  But, we have to work together to kick this cancer's A** and get on with a stronger, healthier life!

4 weeks post double mastectomy surgery and doing well.

Today I am 4 weeks post surgery.  I am feeling pretty good.  Energy is almost back to normal and I am for the most part pain free.  I feel no pain and very good on the right side and the left side is coming along albeit a bit slower.  The left side feels tight and uncomfortable with a lot of sensitivity to the skin which is most likely nerves reconnecting.  I had the lymph node taken from the left side as well - so more work was done on that side and it makes sense that it is taking longer to heal.   There is still some difficulty with full range of motion on the left side and I am not supposed to be doing anything that over works the pec muscles - so still taking it easy with upper body movements.  The worst part for me is that my back aches constantly and more than usual from the lack of upper body exercise and from having to sleep only on my back for these past weeks.  Some of you may know that my spine is fused from T-4 to L-2 so I am not very flexible in the back.  As I have lost some muscle tone and have not been able to stretch properly, my back has really tightened up.  I can't wait to be able to stretch and move in a normal manner to help remedy this issue.

I have been doing a lot of walking, eating and resting in order to get ready for chemo which starts on Wednesday.   I'm as ready and prepared as one can be and have faith that I will weather this next phase in my battle with strength and grace.  I'm hoping to be able to get out every day for some sort of exercise to try to combat the fatigue that comes along with chemo.  And, I am hoping to take a yoga class to see if that helps to get my range of motion back and also to relieve some tension in my back.

So, all in all I feel that I am doing very well and right on schedule.  The battle continues and will be ramping up but I feel more than ever that I will be better and stronger on the other side of all of this with the cancer behind me and lots of life to look forward to.

Girl power cancer fighting team!

My dear friend Cynthia and her sidekick Sandy took these photos in support of my fight against breast cancer.  When I need a good laugh, I can always count on these ladies.  They are so much fun and I truly appreciate the support and humor.  

Check out those guns!  Thanks ladies for being on my team.  Love you tons!

Hair today...Gone tomorrow!

You know when your hair gets to that awkward in between stage and is driving you crazy?  Well, that has been me for the past couple of weeks.  With chemotherapy just nine days away and hair loss likely a couple of weeks after that, what's a girl to do?

I went to a very cheap hair salon today after picking up a prescription at CVS.  I sat down in the chair and here's how it went...

-Me:  I want a very, very short haircut.  Like a really short pixie style.

-Hair stylist:  Why do you want to go so short, you are a very pretty woman and you don't want to look like a boy.

-Me:  I just want it really short.  I don't want to have to style it or anything.

-Hair stylist:  Well, you need to have some sort of bangs because you have a long forehead and it will look funny without bangs.  

-Me:  OK, leave a little bangs, but other than that go really short.

What was I really thinking?  Hey lady, you have no idea just how much real estate I'll be sporting on that forehead in just a couple of weeks.  Get to clipping!

So, I got that short in between doo... in between hair today and gone tomorrow :)  It's only hair and I kinda like it really short.

No tissue expansion today :)

Today I went to my reconstructive surgeon fully expecting my first saline injection into the tissue expanders.  The doctor confirmed that I am healing very well but decided against the planned expansion for the time being for a couple of reasons:

- I am having a lot of discomfort on the left side.  I still have some bruising along with a bit of swelling and hardness.  In addition, there is a lot of over-sensitivity of the skin - pins and needles feelings as the nerves are trying to regenerate.
- The right side skin is still kind of over-stretched and he wants to let that be for a few more weeks before trying to stretch it even more.

I am somewhat relieved that we did not expand today as I have heard that it can be quite painful for a few days afterwards and we are planning a little get away this weekend to have some fun before chemo begins.  I can't wait for a change of scenery and to get further from this house than the doctor's office and the grocery store!  Thanks to my lovely husband for insisting that we take some time to get away and spend some relaxing quality time together away from the recovery zone :)

The doctor gave me a prescription today for Neurontin to help ease the nerve pain on the left side.  When he handed me the prescription he indicated that this drug is commonly used for seizures and that it is important to wean off of it slowly rather than just to stop taking it, or it could possibly cause a seizure - yikes!  I'm feeling right now like I might not fill the prescription as the pain that I feel is not intolerable - just annoying and frustrating at this point.  And, since I will be starting chemo in two weeks wherein my body will be infiltrated with drugs, I'm not sure that I want to add more prior to chemo unless it is absolutely necessary.  I'm thinking that it might be best to suck up the discomfort and tough it out at this point.  Any thoughts?

The big news from the doctor's visit is that I can begin soaking in the bathtub again.  Yes, yes, yes!  How I've missed my evening baths.  And, I can finally get out of this post-surgical camisole that I've been wearing night and day for the last three weeks (switching between two for laundering, of course).  Things are progressing in the healing department and I am feeling stronger with more energy every day for the time being.

Positive thoughts and feelings do help with recovery and I must say that my mental state throughout all of this has been very good and I do believe that is why I am recovering so nicely.  Thanks to all of my family and friends for the continued positive reinforcement.  Love you all!

More resources and support at every turn

I recently found out that through my medical insurance I am provided a case management service at no cost to me.  I received a visit from a nurse case manager yesterday who is going to assist me through the chemotherapy process.  The nurse confided in me that she herself is a 7 year survivor of breast cancer.  It is nice to have someone monitoring my progress who has actually gone through this herself.  She will call me 1-2 times per week to answer any questions that I might have, monitor my progress, and to make sure that I am hydrating properly and getting proper nutrition.  Her job is also to act as my medical advocate in the event that I need any assistance in that area.  This is a nice service and I am lucky that my insurance covers this.  I feel sad for those who have not had the benefit of these types of services and have had to go it alone.

My chemotherapy is scheduled to begin on October 16.  I will undergo four treatments, three weeks apart for three months.  The medications will be administered via I.V. at my Oncologist's office and it takes about three hours for this process to take place.  I am grateful that I only have to have four infusions - it will be much easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel and get through this.

I continue to be surprised and blessed by all of the support and resources that are out there for those of us fighting breast cancer.

Race for the Cure San Francisco September 2013

We had a wonderful day out with our daughter on Sunday to support her as she ran in the race for the cure.

What is Triple Negative Breast Cancer?

I've been asked by many people to explain my triple negative diagnosis.  The following is a brief and basic explanation.

What is Triple-Negative Breast Cancer?

When breast cancer cells test negative on three key markers, estrogen receptors, progesterone receptors and HER2 receptors, the cancer is called triple-negative.

This form of cancer, usually diagnosed in women before they reach the 40-50 age bracket, represents about 10-20% of all diagnosed breast cancers. It is more common among African-American or Hispanic women, and a particular gene mutation (BRCA1) also predisposes towards developing the cancer.

Triple-negative breast cancer certainly is beatable, but it presents a particular challenge because it does not respond to the hormone therapies used to treat other less aggressive forms of breast cancer and therefore can often require invasive surgeries such as full mastectomies over lumpectomies.

In addition, triple-negative cancer has shown itself more likely to spread and is more likely to re-occur after treatment during a 3-5 year window (however, it’s recurrence rate drops off below that of hormone responsive breast cancer after that period). Triple negative breast cancer also has a lower five-year survival rate than other forms of breast cancer.

For these reasons, finding a way to effectively tackle triple-negative breast cancer and improve the prognosis for sufferers has been a key area of investigation for the researchers.

There needs to be more awareness and research done on this particular sub-type of cancer and one of my goals with this blog is to bring more awareness to this disease so that it is better understood.  I hope to see a cure for this disease in my lifetime. 

Today, we are heading to the City to watch the Race for the Cure and cheer on our daughter who is running the race as an act of support in my battle.  Looking forward to getting out with the crown and supporting the cause.  Happy Sunday all <3

2 weeks post mastectomy surgery!

My lucky Irish Angel (given to me by my Ma :)

Today it has been 2 weeks since my surgery.
I feel that recovery is going really well.  I'm getting stronger every day and am now really focusing on getting myself ready for what chemotherapy is going to bring to my mind and body.

I go to the oncologist on Monday and will likely find out the schedule and start date for chemo.  I'm really dreading going through this for the next several months but I do understand that it is in my best interest to ensure that all the cancer is out of my body.

With everything that I've read and been told about the chemo drugs that I will be getting (Taxotere and Cytoxan), I'm anticipating the following side effects:
- Hair loss
- Fatigue
- Loss of Appetite
- Nausea
- Neuropathy
- Bone Pain
- Chemo brain (cognitive functions)

With this information I realize that everyone is different and will not experience the exact same side effects.  I am making up my mind right now that I will accept the hair loss (I have some cute hats and scarves ready), I will rest well and combat the fatigue, I will eat good foods that are nourishing for me (appetite has never really been an issue for me - I love food), the doctor has some medications that will help with neuropathy and bone pain if they become an issue and as for nausea, we'll just have to wait and see.  I won't really know until I get there.

It has helped me to read and research a lot about what to expect - I'm not good with surprises.  I feel prepared albeit a bit worried but I know I can conquer this.  My biggest worry is about the possible permanent or long term side effects of chemotherapy such as:
- secondary cancers (bone marrow/leukemia) and heart problems
- long term chemo brain (memory problems and fogginess)
Although the long term issues tend to be fairly rare, they do occur.

I will go to the oncologist on Monday with my list of questions and concerns and hope that she can address all of them and make me feel more at ease.

This Sunday, my daughter is running in the Race for the Cure in San Francisco.  My husband and I plan to be there to greet her at the finish line.  And, yes we'll be sporting our custom made T-shirts - Rosie has hers ready to run!

Mastectomy surgery recovery - stuck in the middle...

I find myself at that awkward place in surgery recovery.  I have turned the corner where I am not in much pain and no longer taking any medications.  I feel pretty good for the most part, just a little discomfort and some difficulty with range of motion in left arm/shoulder.  But...I still cannot drive, soak in the tub, lift anything over 5 pounds.  I feel good but I can't do as much as I'd like to.  I am stuck in the middle between being down and feeling normal again.  It is funny that just a month ago, I was complaining about not having enough time for recreational reading, exercising more, practicing my guitar and relaxation and down time.  Well, I got cancer and it looks like all of the things that I had been wishing for might just come along with the package.  Strange turn of events.  I keep hearing that mantra, Be Careful What You Wish For!

Doctors news this week...  

Monday, reconstructive surgeon told me that I am healing exceptionally well for being 10 days out from surgery.  He said that he has many patients who were not healed quite as nicely at this early stage of recovery.  We were happy to hear that news.  After seeing him every 2-3 days since surgery, I get a short break and don't have to go back to him until 10/3 for my first tissue expansion procedure.

Tuesday, general surgeon who performed mastectomy confirmed that pathology report indicates no lymph node involvement and that all tumors were removed with clear margins.  He too indicated that everything was healing nicely and that he was pleased with the outcome.  Still restricted to slow easy movements with left arm and no over exertion...rest.

Encouraging news all around.  I'm hopeful that the oncologist will give me a couple of weeks before she begins chemotherapy so that I can get out of this house and perhaps take a small trip and have some fun before I'm down and out in chemo-land.  I'll find out more about this on Monday.  It probably sounds crazy, but I'd really like to be able to clean my house properly at this point.  It is driving me mad not to be able to vacuum and clean like I'd like to.  Guy is helpful, but he is not the housekeeper from heaven ;)  I know I'll be out and about and feeling much better in about a week or so - just so hard for me to be patient.  I have never been a home body and would much rather be on the move and looking for adventure.

The highlight of my week:  Monday evening Rosie and Michael came over after work and cooked dinner for us.  The two of them prepared a wonderful spaghetti dinner for us and spent time visiting.  I was so touched that they would drive all the way out on a work night to do something so nice.  Sweet kids and I love them so <3  Rosie and I even posed in my new wig and do-rag!

Under construction...

Yesterday I was able to get out of the house for one of my first outings (besides doctors offices and pharmacies) since my surgery just over a week ago.  My husband drove me to Stanford University to visit the Rodin exhibit.  Before heading to the museum, we decided to take a leisurely stroll through the outdoor mall on campus.  It was kind of hysterical to me, with my warped sense of humor, to find myself just having both breasts removed, to be standing in front of a Victoria's Secret store.  I think I'll call this one "under construction".  Not ready to wander in just yet :)

As for the outing - I found myself terribly exhausted by the end of it all.  The exhibit really was wonderful and informative and I enjoyed it.  We were only there a little over an hour, but the standing and walking was so tiring after being pretty sedentary for the past week.  Little by little I'm getting my stamina back.  I just walked in the door from a two mile walk around the neighborhood and while it wasn't my usual 14 minute mile (more like 22 minutes) I felt good having walked all the way up the hill and back.

What I noticed while walking is that my ribs are really sore.  Not sure if it is a result of the surgery itself or too much lying around on my back during recovery.  Other than that I am not in too much pain today - mostly discomfort under the left arm where the lymph node was removed.  The right side feels pretty good today.  

Another small victory in recovery TNBC

I got the last two surgical drains removed this morning.  Victory!  Well, as small as it may seem, every hurdle I pass on the road to recovery gives me just the little boost that I need to keep the forward momentum and optimism.  The doctor said that I am healing very well.  If it weren't for my severe allergic reaction to the surgical glue and adhesives I'd be looking pretty good for someone only one week post bi-lateral mastectomy.  I feel lighter and more free without the tubes and bottles hanging from my body.  Doctors orders: no lifting arms above shoulder height, continue to sleep slightly elevated on back, no more prescription pain pills (tylenol only), continue with nitrobid cream 4 times per day, and anti-itch creams as needed.  The pathology report from surgery came back in to indicate that no cancer was found in the sentinel lymph node and all of the margins came back clear.  In other words, the cancer was contained and removed during surgery.  Great news!  The better scenario would have been if the tumors were hormone receptor positive because there are drugs that can be given to provide additional measures to keep the recurrence rate very low.  Because I have TNBC (triple negative), the hormone receptors are negative and the drugs are not an option for me.  We have to rely only on the chemo to try to ensure that there are no other cancer cells lingering around.

So, here comes the TMI part.  If I'm going to help aid others going through this to know what to expect, I must divulge some of the gory details (boys, feel free to stop reading now :).  Today's mastectomy with reconstruction options is so much different than the mastectomy that one might expect.    When you think of having your breasts completely removed, you think about a flat, smooth chest with no trace of breasts remaining.  With my decision to have mastectomy with immediate reconstruction what I see are two hard, swollen small breasts that actually look like real breasts.  Not so shocking.  They did skin/nipple sparing mastectomy on me and because there was no cancer in or too close to the nipples, they were able to leave them.  The one on the right looks normal, the left one is very dark, purple.  The doctor has us applying nitroglycerin cream 4 times a day to keep blood supply going to the nipple in order to keep it alive and healing well.  So far, so good - I think it will turn out just fine.  The first step of the reconstruction was for the plastic surgeon to create a muscle/tissue base with a tissue matrix product called Alloderm and to place expanders (implant place holders) under this material.  The expanders are filled with a small amount of saline to keep the skin stretched and ready to accept implants further down the road.  I will go in for my first saline expansion in about 3 weeks from now to increase the volume in the expander.  We may only need to do one or two of these sessions.  Chemo will begin in about 2-3 weeks from now as well and the procedure to take out the expanders and put in the implants will take place at some point when chemo has completed.  There will also be some fat transfer to the breasts at some point to complete the process for a more natural look.

Quite a process, but we have come so far with the options for women who need to have mastectomies. The main thing is to be cancer free and healthy, but after that, it is wonderful that women have the opportunity to make a choice as to whether or not they want to reconstruct.  The decision is very individual and there really are many options and variables.

So, all around good news today.  Feeling more human each day.  Now, for a trip to the kitchen to pursue my quest to put some more meat on my bones (doctor's orders)!

Day 5 post surgery - The Princess and the Pea

Day 5 post surgery has not been too bad.  Pain has let up a bit and I've pushed aside the heavy narcs for Tylenol today.  I suspect I'll be grabbing for the heavy duties at bedtime to ensure a good night's sleep.  I've been a bit more active today, on and off - at least not sleeping the entire day away.  I decided to finally open the bedroom door and let the cats back in and they are soooooo happy to be able to resume their spots on the bed and I'm happy to have the company.  Until now, I didn't want to take a chance on one of them walking across my chest (ouch!) while I was sleeping.  They will be disappointed when they are kicked out again at bedtime - oh well.

Oddly, one of my favorite stories when I was a child was The Princess and the Pea.  Little did I know I would turn into that Princess when I grew up.  I think I am driving Guy crazy with every adjustment I am asking him to make for me.  I feel every wrinkle in the sheets, pillows and my clothing.  If one thing is out of place it makes me insane.  It's amazing how sensitive your skin becomes when attempting to overcome trauma.  Hmmmmm, could this be why Guy has locked himself in his office for more hours than usual today?

Now, for the evening plans...heading downstairs to sit on patio to catch the last of the sunshine for today.  After that I want nothing more to shower and wash my hair as the hair washing days will soon be gone for a while.  Imagine the money I'll save on hair products!  Then, dinner and back to bed for popcorn and movie with my hubby.  Good evening all <3

Is there a train parked on my chest?

Surgery day came and went.  The day itself was crazy, scary but all went according to schedule and was not as bad as I thought it might have been.  I stayed in the hospital from Friday to Sunday and am home now resting well.  I felt yesterday as though I had a small car parked on my chest, today it appears to be more like a train.  Very heavy and sore feeling.  I've also developed a very itchy red rash on various parts of my torso which I need to discuss with the doc this morning.  It's either from the dressings or the surgical glue but it is driving me CraZy!

I'm still on pain meds and feeling pretty tired, so I'll keep this short.  Just wanted to let everyone know that all went well and that I am home now.  Your prayers definitely helped me get through this surgery with the success and good news that we were hoping for.  We're not out of the woods yet, but well on the way.  My heartfelt thanks goes out to each and every one of you.

Right after surgery in recovery room....

Caregivers Cognition

The surgeons are busy crawling around inside her chest as I write.

This is the day cancer patients dread first and likely most (the first day of chemo being the other candidate). There are questions that are only answered during surgery or in post-game lab reports. Yet for the next few hours, Cheryl has one thing she has not since being diagnosed – the chance to not have worry, doubt and rage in her mind.

Being close yet outside, we caregivers – the husbands, parents, children of the breast cancer patient – can see things even the patient cannot. If you have received a BC diagnosis, take a little advice.

Cry, scream, moan and get very angry. Toss a pillow on the floor and beat it until feathers fly. Unless you are a hideous being, you don’t deserve this and you have every right to be pissed off and scared. Get it out of your system as soon, as fast and as completely as possible. It will clear your mind.

Read obsessively, but don’t obsess. Everyone outside the medical fields is ignorant about cancer, and you want to get smart fast. But the internet is loaded with horror stories, none of which are you. Stick to the main web sites – American Cancer Society, Komen, WebMD – otherwise the volume and fear within alternate sources can drive you mad or scare you needlessly.

You chose your doctors, not your insurance company or GP. Cheryl’s general practitioner originally referred her to a vascular surgeon, not a breast cancer surgeon. When she discovered this, we went on the hunt and landed a doctor so qualified that everyone in the local medical industry said “Oh, he’s good!” This is your life we’re talking about, so kick your insurance representive in the shins until you get the best in your area.

Treat it like a puzzle game and find the cure. Yes, this is deadly serious, so take some of the head and heartache out by looking at your cure as one big, complex, integrated project – better than redecorating the living room. Cheryl’s binder is so large that doctors marvel at the efforts she has made to master her own care.

Let the dark humor come to you. Dark humor isn’t for everyone, but when you can laugh at the situation you can deal with it calmly. I mentioned running my fingers through Cheryl’s hair and she replied “Enjoy it while you can.” Laughing death in the face puzzles the Reaper long enough to outmaneuver him.

Know this isn’t going to be fun, but millions of other women have done it already. That’s the big one. You are not a trail blazer. Medical science has been working this problem for a long time. Though surgery and chemo are not cakewalks, the process has been refined, improved and specialized thanks to decades of women before you. Your chances of survival are excellent thanks to them. The chance of losing breasts and nipples are less because of them. The hell of chemo is less hellish because of them. You follow the pioneers, and because of that you’ll make it.

Guy – Cheryl’s Husband and Team Mate

No more cancer! Tomorrow's the big day.

Bravery has its limits.  Since my diagnosis I have been brave, strong, ready to fight, prepared.  Well... until today.  It finally hit me - the stress peaked, reality hit hard and I melted.  All of the armor that I had been donning the past four weeks fell to the ground as the day progressed.

I am o.k. now, but the day was truly one big roller coaster ride for me.  In between meetings, chest x-rays, hospital admission interviews, talking to family members, there were lots of tears.  I guess I had been holding so much inside for these past weeks.  My poor husband had to bear my short temper and bad attitude on more than one occasion today - I feel terrible for lashing out at him, but he shouldered it well and understands the pressure that I'm under.

As I sit here now, I have a very interesting purple tattoo design all over my torso where today, one of my surgeons, (or as Guy calls them "cutters") created his markings for tomorrow's shindig.  The doctor today was so nice and understanding today.  As he escorted me into the exam room to draw on me, he made the mistake of asking me how I was doing.  Well, I'm embarrassed to say that the floodgates opened and he sat me down and pulled up a chair and said that we would sit there and talk until I felt better.  He listened, answered all of my questions and reassured me to the best of his ability.  And then proceeded to decorate me.  What a kind and wonderful person to be that understanding and patient.

I've been through my interviews with the anesthesiologist and just received a check-in call from my other surgeon.  The team is ready and confident that all will go smoothly.

Guy took me out to dinner tonight and got my spirits up a bit.  And, talking and corresponding with family and friends has lifted me even more.  I am so lucky to have such a loving family, the best friends and tons of love and support to help me through this.

Tomorrow, I just need to get through the pre-op procedures and nervous jitters.  Then, a nice long nap only to wake up with no more cancer.  NO MORE CANCER!!!

I have asked Guy to write tomorrow's blog for me to let everyone know how the surgery went.  Stay tuned...and thanks again so very much for all of your prayers.  <3

p.s.  Since I've been using my nutribullet and getting so many good fruits and veggies every day, my cute short haircut has been growing so fast.  Guy says that in this pic it looks like Mo from the 3 stooges - wise guy (Guy)!  Well, I might look like Mo now, but I'll be sporting the Curly look in a couple of months!